2019

The end of 2018 I had a bad couple of months healthwise but with some recent improvements on that front I find myself rather looking forward to 2019. Well, at least on a personal level, as far as the big picture is concerned I still live under a government whose principal reaction to diplomatic reality is to threaten to eat live hand grenades unless their demands are met but let's focus on the positive...

And I suppose that's where I want to begin. I've spent so much of the last few months (a fair whack of the rest of the year, too) sick and unmotivated and the world is just horrible right now that I want to write more about things I enjoy. I'm not saying I won't complain, the Tory Party still exists, but I want to focus more on things that bring me joy.

A few projects to help me do that:

Weekly Comic Reviews

I'll say one thing for being ill over the Christmas period: I got a lot of reading done. The ever-present comics backlog has been reduced from “horrendous” to “manageable” so I feel I can actually get to a fair majority of the comics I buy soon enough to review them.

Various Hobby Stuff

There are a couple of army projects I want to make headway on this year. First of all: High Elves. I have the models. I've had the models for years, in fact, but I've been too scared to paint them. I've decided to say screw it and just paint all that damn white. I've already got the first one undercoated: a Loremaster of Hoeth, my absolute favourite HE model ever and therefore my General.

That's going to be my big start of year project. Naturally, once the Sisters Of Battle have the decency to be released that'll happen. I've wanted that army for over a decade and now its happening in plastic I have no intention of resisting. On that subject we're getting new Night Goblins in a week (oh my goodness, that plastic Mangler Squig!) so I foresee my Orcs & Goblins being dusted off in the near future.

Big Finish Backlog

Yes, the other shameless act of overspending weighing down my hard drive: Big Finish audios. I have a horrible habit of pre-ordering things, downloading them and forgetting them. Its the curse of digital media. Might as well write some reviews of the things whilst I'm at it.

Expand My Reading

I feel like I've fallen into a bit of a rut with my reading. I tend to default back to old Doctor Who books, Black Library stuff and the same old comics series. So I'm going to spend the year trying out new things lit-wise. There are a couple of stone cold classics that I want to try out but I'm just looking all over for new stuff.

2018

Last year was horrible, wasn't it? I briefly thought about going back to my 2017 New Year post to see how things went and... I can't be bothered. Last year was so horrible on so many levels I just want it gone.

Luckily for me, its a new year (yes it is!) and that means new goals and new projects.

Moffat Watchthrough

Its the end, but the moment has been prepared for. One of my favourite eras of Doctor Who has ended (certainly my favourite one I was actually around for) and so its time to see how it all stands up as a body of work. I'll be blogging my impressions episode by episode from The Eleventh Hour to Twice Upon A Time stopping at all stations. It'll be fun to revisit old favourites, re-evaluate the less-loved episodes and finally watch some of the early Capaldi stuff I skipped because I was a little burnt out on the series in 2014.

Address the backlog a bit

I have a stack of books, comics and DVDs I just plain haven't touched since buying them, not to mention a list of Netflix recommendations from friends. I bought these things to enjoy them and they're just sitting there. And some of this addressing will involve just chucking things away because I've realised if there's one thing I need to avoid its the sunk cost fallacy. In complement and contradiction of this...

Read Many New Things

I want to expand my reading horizons, especially with comics. I've fallen into a bit of a superhero rut and I want to vary my diet a bit. So I'll be regularly trying out new series, graphic novels, some manga and suchlike.

New Year, New Army: Grey Knights

My father misunderstood my Christmas list (not his fault, my handwriting is awful) and now I have Grey Knights. Not that I mind: its an army I've always liked the idea of so I'm rolling with it. If nothing else they'll make a nice allied detachment for when I take Imperial armies against Matt's Death Guard.

On the subject of hobby...

Paint Many Things

I continue to want to grow my miniature painting skills. I also want to put armies down on the table with more painted miniatures. To this end I have a simple goal:

By the end of the year I want to have completed 50 power (for 40k) or 500 points (for Fantasy) of all my current projects. That's a relatively small number of miniatures for each project which is a better fit for my magpie attention span than trying to concentrate on big, longterm hobby goals. This is also why I'm doing an elite army for New Year, New Army.

I also want to try and have at least one decent painting session a week so I can do a hobby log post every weekend with at least some progress. 

Why am I not a redhead?

I think I could take it if I was a redhead. The summer, I mean, and the heat. I have trouble with heat (and also shaving cuts) because simmering on the top of the genetic soup that is me, floating on top of the deep layers of Misc. Immigrant, is a great big gelatinous film of Classic English Redhead from my mother's side of the family.

Do I get to be one? No. I don't get the alabaster skin and the cute freckles and the hair like beaten copper. No, I just get to spend every summer one patch of shade away from heatstroke and clutching a paper towel to my face for forty-five minutes after every slightly too emphatic stroke of the razor.

So, here I sit on Sunday evening, determined to hit my goal of posting something every day to keep the creative juices flowing, except I'm too consumed by the horrible prickly sensation of so much sweat even after the fourth shower of the day that I can't think of anything to write except this self-indulgent twaddle.

Its not that I think I'm bad looking. I don't particularly mind my body or my appearance other than the nose. Its just that, well, redheads are basically universally gorgeous and that could have been me!

I strongly suspect I post something like this every summer but I am too sweaty to check. 

Revenge of the Return of the Phone Scam

I am the last person to be mean to someone when they're doing their job. I know that sometimes at work you have to say no to people, you have to give them bad news, you have to be less than co-operative because of company policy and so on. I understand these things because I've had to work under those conditions and I know that the last thing you need when your hands are tied is some dick who yelling at you because they think that's how to get you to risk your job to get them what they want.

So I make an effort to understand when people's hands are tied, that sometimes doing a job means doing things you might not want to.

Then there are cold calling scams. Thanks to the wonderful resource that is who-called-me.co.uk I can generally know with some certainty whether an unknown number is a scam or not and so I take out my many frustrations on them.

I started off small time just asking questions they couldn't answer like when the accident I never had was, what the registration number of the car I don't own is, what bank or phone company they're representing and waiting for them to give up.

Then I got a bit bored with reason and started having fun. Once I had confirmation a number was a scam I'd answer pretending to be the police, pretending to be a hairdresser, answer entirely in German swear words (which include “Kevin”, for some reason).

Yesterday, I just gave up. I cued up a Youtube video of screaming and just put my phone next to the speaker. According to my phone, the cold caller listened to thirty-eight seconds of screaming before hanging up.

You might call this petty and it is but I don't get to be cruel to the deserving that often. 

Yesterday I impersonated a police officer...

This is technically a crime but damn it was funny!

I did not look this good
going it. I wish I did.

Okay, background: for months I have been getting calls from a phone scam. An incompetent phone scam using shitty mobiles that constantly drop calls, that can't decide whether they're calling from a phone company I'm not contracted to or telling me I can claim PPI on loans I've never taken out or could claim compensation for an accident I've never had.

Frankly, I finally got tired of them. I got tired of trying to press them on how long I've been with their phone company or asking them how much the loan was for or what accident I had. Vicious sadist that I am I finally got tired of torturing these idiots.

So I solemnly informed them that I worked for Berkshire Constabulary and was referring their details to the fraud squad. The umming and spluttering on the other end of the line was delicious because they don't remember how many times they've called me, I'm just a number on a list they probably bought from some company I've done momentary business with (probably something to do with letting agency credit checks, frankly).

Its amazing how switching things up a bit can really put the joy back in causing others pain.

Belly laughs courtesy text messaging and tumblr

I wanted to write something more substantial for Monday, in particular essay on the Missing Adventures novel The Sorcerer's Apprentice, but I'm too angry about The End Times: Archaon to write anything coherent.

So instead I just want to plug some tumblrs that have been giving me enormous amusement the past couple of weeks. It takes a lot to make me laugh out loud when I'm alone but at times these things had me in tears. Each one takes quotes from the website Texts From Last Night and puts them on screencaps from some of my favourite series.

There's Texts From The Old TARDIS (Classic Doctor Who); Texts From TheSatellite Of Love (Mystery Science Theatre 3000); Texts From BakerStreet (Sherlock); and let's throw in Fuck Yeah Doctor Who Macros for good measure.

Seriously, these texts are hilarious on their own and even funnier if you imagine these familiar characters saying them. 

The old pound coin and epoxy trick

I was having a very bad day yesterday: my laptop destroyed itself in a way that almost prevented me recovering my files; my kitchen cabinets are absolutely infested with black mold; and people keep trying to spoiler the end of The End Times: Archaon for me for some reason.

Then as I walked to the pub to meet a friend I noticed someone had played the old pound coin and epoxy trick.

If you've never heard of it the trick works like this: you take a pound coin and some epoxy resin (or any other extra strength adhesive) into the street at a quiet time of day. You glue the coin to the ground and by the time the epoxy sets its pretty much impossible to remove without heavy duty solvents.

Then you just leave it, maybe you watch or maybe you just leave and let nature take its course.

I saw some right pathetic displays as people tried to kick, pick and stamp the coin off the pavement. I poked it with my foot once and realised what was going on, look around slyly for a camera and moved on but one guy was there ten minutes trying to kick the thing into submission. He was even swearing at it. It was hilarious.

I know its cruel but it cheered me up enormously. 

The junk drawer that is my hard drive

I have a terrible tendency to see something on the internet and then just save it to my hard drive, intending to do something with it later. I'll see something and think “That'll make a good blog post down the line” and, of course, I never get to it because my magpie mind finds something shinier to look at. This is the reason all of the following exist in various corners of my Documents folder. Some of them I remember downloading, some of them I even remember why but most of them are simply a mystery to me obscured by the mists of time:

A folder marked “Tim Drake's Sex Life Considered As A Thought Experiment” containing scanned panels from old Robin comics, mainly images of Tim and Steph but also numerous other love interests from the days when Tim was the playa of the Bat-family.

The frontispiece of the Malleus Malificarum.

A tutorial on how to draw breasts using Avatar Korra as its practical example.

A folder filled with images of Space Sharks Space Marines. I don't remember ever planning a Space Sharks army, the Polynesian tattoo details would drive me insane.

Endless tutorials on how to paint white, my old nemesis.

A bewilderingly large series of nature photographs, all of the featuring otters.

This image of the Dirty Pair that comes up on Google Image Search every time I go looking for Inquisitorial henchman conversions.

A half-finished essay about the sexual politics of radio comedy Acropolis Now.

The text of the speech Ellen Page made when she came out.

Several versions of an Achievement Hunter drinking game and, on the same subject, the Gavin Free Insult Generator (look that up, by the way, its brilliant and absolutely how Englishmen insult one another).

The recipe for bacon flavour ice cream.

The world map from Final Fantasy I. I don't own a copy of Final Fantasy I.

A photo of Wallace Greenslade.

This Superman panel of Lucy Lane being punched by a kangaroo entitled “I should not find this as funny as I do”.

A gif of Numfar doing the Dance Of Joy. It does not work.

A comicbook cover for a Western series called Straight Arrow.

The best prohibitions sign ever made. That is one seriously suave dog.

A series of Doctor Who screencaps with 50 Shades Of Grey quotes superimposed on them, which are some of the most disturbing things I've ever seen though I will admit the “fifty shades of fucked up” quote does suit the Seventh Doctor and Ace's relationship.

A surprising number of screencaps from Mystery Science Theatre 3000, almost all of Doctor Clayton Forrester.

A version of the DC New 52 Multiverse map whose resolution renders it completely unreadable and therefore useless.

A whole bunch of free Kindle books that I will likely never read.

A folder called “Useful Information” that contains nothing more than a brief note about what the different hemispheres of the brain do and a walkthrough for Medievil: Resurrection. 

Things I now know about eyes

It turns out your prescription can improve. I always assumed it was just an inevitable downhill progression but, no, my eyesight has actually improved marginally over the last five years. Turns out this isn't uncommon, though it usually happens with people in their forties or fifties, that the ageing process of your eyes can even out deformities.

They took pictures of the inside of my eyes and showed them to me. They wouldn't let me have copies, though, but it looks kind of like a red lava lamp made out of skin.

I had a nice chat with the opticians who did my tests, we discussed the purpose of various machines they used on me. There was an almost arcade machine thing where I pressed a button every time I saw a light flash that was testing my field of vision. The only one they didn't want to discuss was the one that blows a really cold, really intense puff of air into your open eye so I'm beginning to think that one actually serves no purpose and just gives them a sense of power as they force you to go through it again and again and again.

Just a thought, that last one.

Of course, any time I get new glasses I feel the need to dig out this Peanuts strip (sadly this is the best version I can find through Google):

I tell you what though: going from round frames to square does odd things to your peripheral vision. Its like someone's been messing with the field of view slider. 

Another phone scam strikes

This one was just plain weird. I get a phone call, miss it and find a voice message that is just beeping. Okay, thinks I, maybe they got cut off. My phone doesn't have the best reception so this has happened. So I call the number and what followed was just bizarre...

The phone rings but the rings are slower than usual, then it connects and a synthesised voice slowly talks to me in what sounded like Gujarati and then the phone just disconnects and informs me the call cost me £1.20.

I'm not even sure how to react to this its just so damn strange. The other criminal, the one trying to get my bank details I understand but I'm really not sure what's even going on here. I'm only assuming this is a scam because that's as close to a logical explanation as exists. 

2015

I don't know why but 2015 feels to me like a year for getting around to things long delayed. Maybe its because I associate the date with Back to the Future Part II, maybe its because I spent most of last year either panicking about my precarious housing situation or in mourning for the women who practically raised me but this year I feel like getting things done.

I know this isn't something that can be controlled but I want to work through my writers' block. I feel like the act of writing, of creating in general, is the best outlet I have. It hasn't been a happy year and I need to pour that into something. I want to do more on this blog, experiment with format and content, maybe post some short fiction.

On a related note I want to re-learn how to draw. The skills have atrophied over the years but I used to be pretty good at sketch art. I might even get some use out of that DeviantArt account that so far exists only to allow me to switch off the adult content filter and read Sunstone.

I actually started this as a comic blog, incidentally, so committing to weekly comic reviews might not be a bad idea.

I want to learn to cook, which is about as traditional as these not-resolutions get (I feel “resolution” as a word is so bound up in failure I don't want to use it) as a concession to a general improvement in my physical health. As for my mental health...

I've been a bit of a shut-in the last few months, which I needed, don't get me wrong. Thing is that can become habit too quickly so I intend to accept any invitation I can: social events, day trips, even just trying to make time to go to the pub with friends when its offered.

Also on that note I've committed to two Warhammer campaigns: a 40k campaign run by my friend Dave starting February and a Fantasy campaign run by Matt starting (probably) March by which time we hope The End Times will be over and we'll have a solid setting to write background in. This brings us to me getting some projects up and running I've been meaning to get to for a while:

On the Fantasy side I'll be doing my long-delayed High Elves/Tomb Kings alliance (trust me, I have an idea for how this will work but we'll get there when I have some models finished). Meanwhile, for 40k I'm planning a quick and dirty Ork army to re-learn the system, which I haven't played since 5^th edition, followed by a more considered resurrection of my Lost And The Damned based on the Imperial Armour 13 Renegades & Heretics list. These are all armies I've wanted to do for years and even have a lot of the models for thanks to my whole family deciding to give me GW stuff for Christmas.

If I have some spare time left over I might even do some Flesh Tearers, not an army I have immediate use for (too many Imperial players in this campaign already) but one I have wanted since virtually the day I got into Warhammer. 

Autumn

Today Google is informing the world that its the first day of autumn. They are, of course, wrong, at least if you're here in the South Of England. Newbury Agricultural Show was this past weekend and by ancient country tradition autumn begins the day after so on a purely local level Google is a day late.

But that doesn't matter and not just because its a ridiculous nitpick. The important thing is that autumn is my favourite season. I like the pleasant little bite of cold as we get towards winter that I can handle with a hot drink or a sweater. I love watching the leaves change on the trees day by day on my way to work. It s a romantic season to me because the very atmosphere gently encourages physical closeness.

There's also, I must admit, an element of relief that comes with the lowering temperature. I come from a family of classic redheads so high summer is a time of physical suffering for me. My dark hair and facial structure I get from my father's side (and their odd Chinese-German ethnic mix) but the fair skin and the non-existent resistance to heat comes from my mother's and the various levels of ginger they represent. Beach days are the worst day out for me, there is no SPF high enough. Walking through a forest on a cold autumn afternoon surrounded by the vivid reds and golds of falling leaves is a beautiful treat.

Its also a great time for getting things done. There's motive to stay in and finish a few jobs around the house, get on with my hobbies or some writing, but I don't feel confined to the house as I do in deep winter. Actually, I find myself being more social in this season, again because of that need for physical closeness the early cold brings on. 

A very random musical opinion

I'm not usually one for rap (and if the woman I'm about to talk about isn't technically a rapper I apologise, I can never keep all those musical genres straight in my head) but I have to admit I like Nicki Minaj's style. That wonderful quick fire delivery like she's voicing a stream of consciousness instead of lyrics.

Fast, pacey delivery of complicated lyrics, I can't help but wonder what it would be like if she covered Gilbert and Sullivan. Can you imagine her rendition of “Modern Major-General”? It would be fantastic. 

Please, take a moment to thank your CS telephone operative

So today I had reason to phone the town council. The reason being I've recently moved house (I may have mentioned or, more accurately, have transcribed several tantrums during the process) and I had to sort out my council tax. I thought I'd already done it but it seemed my lettings agent and I were working at cross purposes so the balance of my old account wasn't incorporated into my new account. Consequence: £296 owed to the council that I shouldn't owe.

I phoned them, had a short conversation with a very efficient young woman and the long and the short of it is my council tax is, as I originally assumed, paid up for the year. What's more my old account had a credit of “249 pounds on it from the first year I lived on my own when I didn't know about single persons' discount so next year's council tax bill will only be about £500.

I reiterated the result verbally to her to make sure, we had come to the agreement I thought we had and then I took a moment to thank her properly:

“I just have to say you've been brilliant. I was kind of dreading this phone call but you've been great and I just wanted you to know that. I know you must get a lot of grief doing this job and I want you to know I really appreciate your work.”

The sad thing is that she was really, really grateful for my gratitude. That's just sad. So the next time you have a good customer service experience by phone, just take a moment to let your CS operative know that you appreciate their work on your behalf. Yes, it's their job but that's no reason not to tell them they're good at it (especially after they save you £796).

Now I'm going to go on Youtube and watch old episodes of The Charlie Brown And Snoopy Show to make sure the day continues to unfold upon lines of fluffy niceness. 

New Year's Resolutions: 14 for '14

It's the first day of the year, I finally have internet in my flat (and it has broad bands, as well) so it's time for some New Year's resolutions. And you know, even as you make them, that you'll break them it's just a matter of how long so let's see how long I can stay the course on my 14 for '14:

Learn to cook

I don't cook much and I'd like to. Its healthier, generally cheaper and more satisfying.

Define my hobby goals

Work out what I want from my Warhammer hobby: specify the armies I want to work on and set some goals (complete the army to X number of points, that sort of thing). This one's a whole blog post of its own, to be honest.

Write something every day

A blog post, a book review, a bit of dialogue, a short story, just something each and every day. I used to write a lot, I enjoyed it and I feel a lot of the emotional problems I've had the last few years might have been easier if I'd kept that creative outlet open to myself.

Push my painting skills

I've been kind of coasting in this area, really. GW has a new paints range these days so I really should try to expand my skills beyond the old standards. Buying a copy of the new How To Paint Citadel Miniatures should be a good start.

Have a proper sort out of my media collection

I do own a load of old junk: CDs, DVDs, games, comics and books that I've not touched in years. Oddments of clothing that I never wear, as well. Freeing up space is going to be something of a theme for me over the next few months as the new flat has about a quarter of the storage space of the old one.

Read more books than I buy

Self-explanatory, really. I own a lot of books including a couple of dozen just sitting on my Kindle waiting for me to read. Since I bought a lot of these books years ago reading them now practically counts as getting books for free! Penny saved is a penny earned, I suppose.

Spend more time around nature

The other day I walked with a friend to Black Swan Lake (yes, it is next to White Swan Lake, why do you ask?). I really need to spend more time out in nature, its beautiful.

Start my hobby journal

I actually bought the journal itself in October but then the stress of moving got in the way and I haven't actually painted anything in months.

Switch to Big Finish's download subscriptions

Partly motivated by losing a lot of my possessions to water damage over Christmas, partly motivated by the lack of storage space in my new flat. I now have the Virgin broad bands and so downloading from the Big Finish website is a practical option for me. Its DRM-free so I can keep back-ups and I can even free up some space by downloading copies of the CDs I've already bought from them and sending the CDs themselves to the charity shop.

Take more pride in my home

There's only four rooms, I'll clean one room every night (… ish). I mean, it's a mess of boxes at the moment (yes, internet access was a higher priority than unpacking) so actual housepride is still a ways off but I feel I should make more effort here, its a nicer flat than my last one.

Start a beginning to end classic Doctor Who marathon

I've always thought if you're a fan of something you should do a marathon at least once and now I finally can. I've got the DVDs, I won't reach The Web Of Fear before it comes out and I've the Loose Cannon reconstructions for the missing episodes. I say “start” not because I don't think I'll finish but because I know I won't finish this year.

Be more sociable

I can be a shut-in, I know, especially the last six months as I've been saving up to move. So I'll get out more, which if nothing else will help me in my writing.

Find an exercise regime that suits me

Running doesn't agree with me. Weights, maybe. Something heavily cardio-based, I feel, I think that's good for stamina which is what I need to work on.

Take part in Matt's Warhammer campaign

My best friend Matt is running a Warhammer campaign starting in a week or two. We have two Empire players (Matt and Tom), two Warriors Of Chaos players (Ian and Dave) and me with my Vampire Counts, odd man out as usual. Writing background for the campaign should help me in my goal to write every day. 

James gained ITEM: SHAVING NEWSPAPER (minus 10 Damage)

One of my little first aid tips for home use. I did not know this until the other day when my boss introduced me to the idea. I cut myself shaving quite often and I'd always been taught to hold some paper towel over the cut until it stopped by itself. As it turned out I was doing it wrong.

  

What you need for a shaving cut, as my boss revealed to me, is newspaper. Seriously, something about the particular paper stock they use not only stops the bleeding really fast it also seems to help the healing process a little.

  

Don't use the Daily Mail, though, you might catch something.

It's galling the way it creeps up on you. There I was sitting on the Games Day coach on the way home Sunday having a perfectly civilised, adult and reasonable conversation about films when my interlocutor casually drops into the conversation the following fact:

“I didn't see it in the cinema,” he says of all-time classic Jurassic Park, “It was three years before I was born.”

Best. Mobility Scooter. Ever.

It was a kitbash, honest to God, a kitbashed mobility scooter. Back half common-or-garden mobility scooter but instead of the normal Vespa-style driving column arrangement at the front it had the handlebars and front wheel of a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

I wish there had been a polite way for me to get a photo.

Two important points about first aid

For the last six years I've been working as a first aider, trained and duly authorised by the British Red Cross and other organisations. Every once in a while one of my friends will get the chance to train in first aid themselves for their work and they ask me if I have any advice.

I tell them that there are two things you have to accept about becoming a first aider.

The first thing is one day, probably through no fault of your own, you may end up watching another human being die. I've been lucky, myself, treating minor cuts and bruises and burns and concussions. I've yet to be there for anything where a person has died but I have known people who have. I had to be aware, and I was going in, that some day it could happen, especially since I'm not only a first aider at work. Law and morality requires that if I see someone injured out in the world I have to help and it could be anything: motorcycle accident, stabbing, anything.

I'd do my best, follow the manual to the letter, but at the end of the day (as my last instructor put it) there are limits to what the human body can survive and no amount of effort is going to save them.

But you can't let it affect you. You have to sort of switch off the fear of failure otherwise it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's a delicate balance and no one knows how they'll react when the moment comes. I don't know, I can only hope for the best and keep in practice so if the worst does happen I'll be able to say I did absolutely everything I could.

The second thing is that the badge isn't designed like a normal badge with a normal safety pin arrangement on the back. They're designed like earrings and sometimes the back bit will fall off in your shirt, the badge will stab you in the tit and dear God it hurts!

And that's my advice.

Oh, and the regulations generally say check the contents of your first aid box weekly. Bugger that, check it daily because people will raid it for their bathroom cabinet when you aren’t looking.