Tuesday 19 December 2017

A vision of the future

The year is 2021. The witch hunts are over and Hollywood is a post-apocalyptic wasteland populated solely by feminist biker gangs, Keanu Reeves and Terry Crews. Gal Gadot rules with an iron fist and Woody Allen's crow-ravaged corpse hangs above the highway leading into town, a stark warning to all interlopers.

Bernie Sanders, two years dead, still has his supporters who contend he was robbed of the last Democratic nomination and they have pie charts to prove he can still win big in 2024. Trump was impeached years ago but still lives in the White House basement behind a barricade of his own faeces with his “cabinet”: a collection of dismembered shop window dummies.

Surprisingly, the Republicans narrowly won the last election but it doesn't matter because Chelsea Clinton, so enraged at constantly being accused of interfering in politics, simply conquered the United States in a brutal military coup. Jeff Sessions and Richard Spencer accompany her to all public engagements naked and on all fours at the end of a leash, long resigned to their fate. Richard smiles when she tugs the leash hard, its very unnerving.

Meanwhile, closer to home in the UK, an unfortunate contract oversight for an edition of Celebrity Job Swap has left Theresa May working as the country's least popular camgirl (she has made 38p so far and that's being contested through PayPal) whilst pornstar and erstwhile star of the music video for The Prodigy's “Smack My Bitch Up” Teresa May remains as Prime Minister. The pragmatism of a former sex worker did, in fact, do wonders for Brexit negotiations and the public on both ends of the political spectrum pretend not to notice the very obvious changes in the national leader. On the parliamentary end the only operational difference is the Chief Whip now has one.

The French have banned all abbreviations in the wake of the “ya'll'd've” controversy. 

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