ROYAL RUMBLE SPOILER POST: a Rousey success?

Its been nearly a week now since the Rumble so I feel we can have a chat about this one: was having Ronda Rousey turn up after the Women's Royal Rumble a good idea?

I get why it was done. On paper, having the undefeated Asuka win the Women's Rumble is predictable and the WWE wanted something in their back pocket so they'd go out on a surprise. That is actually sensible. On paper. In practice having Asuka win was a fantastic moment in and of itself that capped off a fantastic match.

It was a moment that deserved to stand on its own especially as Ronda's debut cut Asuka off from challenging one of the two Women's champions (a moment that the male winner got and, my goodness, am I looking forward to Nakamura/Styles at Wrestlemania!). It felt like Asuka's moment was stepped on and she deserved that moment to herself, especially as Rousey did so little: she glared at a bunch of people, shook Stephanie McMahon's hand and then did some sign pointing which is, of course, a venerable Royal Rumble tradition.

Also, having mentioned Stephanie...

The WWE Women's Division needs one of two things to happen: either to debut a second female authority figure who is a face or for Stephanie to turn face herself because as it stands Stephanie is a heel who cannot ever get her comeuppance because whenever she's around women she's the patron saint of women's wrestling and (correctly) WWE does not do man-on-woman violence. Frankly, either Lita or Trish Stratus needs to come in as Women's Commissioner or some such similar title so we don't constantly have Stephanie flip-flopping between face and heel. Don't get me wrong: she worked to puch the division and she deserved her lap of honour for that but now some consistency needs to be imposed.

Anyway, that's me done on some random thoughts I've had in my head since Sunday. 

Before the Women's Revolution (Cyber Sunday 2008)

Looking at the WWE women's division these days its hard to believe that less than a decade ago you could tune in to a pay-per-view and the women's entire participation in the show was a costume contest. A sexy costume contest including a sexy nun, a sexy cop, Marilyn Munroe, Batgirl, Victoria dressed as a banana amongst others.

Why was Victoria dressed as a banana? Why was this a thing that some booker thought was a good use of her abilities? Was it in any way related to the fact she'd jump ship to TNA Impact a few months later?

Over the course of the show there were various cutaways to the women posing in their costumes and delivering horrible sexy one-liners to camera. They then lined up in the ring in their sexy costumes and Tazz announced the winner of the costume competition as voted by the fans on WWE.com.

Back in the day this was cringey. Looking at it from our modern perspective in the Space Year 2017 where the women's division has dumped the “Divas” branding, had a Hell In A Cell match, had a Money In The Bank match, where Asuka's undefeated streak has surpassed Goldberg's... its actively infuriating. I'm looking at a ring full of talent that had to travel to this show, that was being paid to be at this show (probably not much because B-show and sexism but still...).

Mickey James is standing in a ring with Victoria and they're both just standing there. Beth Phoenix is there, so's Natalya. There are fourteen women in that ring and there was no women's division match that night.

Then, to cap it all off, the crowning dick move of it all, once Mickey is announced as the winner they all just start fighting each other because women don't like losing or some shit. I have complained about some dumb booking of the women's division the last year or so (the Money In A Bank match springs to mind) but nothing compares to this offensive, pervy waste of talent. 

Get well soon, Asuka

Last night, it was reported via WhatCulture that Asuka had vacated the NXT Women's Title following a collarbone injury at Takeover: Brooklyn III. It was further reported that she was expected to take at least three months off to recover and that she was in talks to move up to the main roster when she did rather than returning to NXT.

First off, best wishes to Asuka for a speedy and trouble free recovery.

Less importamntly, of course, is my smarky opinion that this is probably a good way to handle the situation. According to WhatCulture Asuka's undefeated streak ran 523 days. Rather famously, it eclipsed even the undefeated streak of Bill Goldberg back in the day. And this wasn't just her run with the title, she remains undefeated in her entire WWE career.

And if she does up to main roster still undefeated, I think that's a good idea.

Let me explain: going up to main roster is the point of NXT. The show is still technically WWE's “developmental” product meant to get people over with the audience and letting them hone their character in a smaller setting. It s a good idea but there have been some problems.

You see, I'm not sure who would be worthy to have ended Asuka's undefeated streak. Okay, the answer is blatantly Ember Moon and I'm baffled that it didn't happen at Brooklyn III but here's my issue: would you really want to end the longest undefeated streak in modern WWE (I'm willing to bet there's a longer one in days of yore that isn't getting mentioned) on the developmental show?

You see my problem. This streak is a big thing and yet, by its very nature, it was going to have to end on a small time show. Whoever knocks Asuka off her perch is going to get one hell of a boost from it and whilst Ember Moon is more than worthy (as is, in my opinion, Nikki Cross) there's probably more prestige to be handed out from this than NXT can give.

This could be something main event worthy. This could be worthy of Hell In A Cell (not this year's, obviously) or some other major showcase match. Having her come into main roster with her winning streak intact means she comes into that title scene with a huge level of prestige that would have been somewhat diminished by breaking the streak beforehand. 

Sasha Banks/Alexa Bliss for Hell In A Cell 2017!

[SPOILERS ahead for the Raw Women's Championship match at... *groans* Great Balls Of Fire. Do not proceed further if you haven't seen it)

I know their storyline will probably resolve at Summerslam because that's the next biggie but hear me out. Given the count out resolution to their match at Great Balls Of Fire the rematch will definitely be no DQs. So why not put a pin in it for a while, let Alexa get a few more screwy finishes and then, sometime early October, Sasha comes out on Raw with a mic and declares that the Boss will not let this shit stand!

“No more champion's advantage! No more running away! No more retaining by count out and disqualification! In two weeks, Alexa: you and me!

“Hell... in a Cell!”

Why? Well, for one, I want the women's Hell in a Cell match (and Money In The Bank and Survivor Series matches, for that matter) to continue and not be one off things. Second, the Sasha/Charlotte Hell In A Cell was apparently re-booked at the last minute with Sasha originally booked to win. It was a belter, regardless, even if the finish was a little sudden but I do think Sasha should have broken Charlotte's streak there and then.

My bitching aside, I do think this current feud (and Alexa's chickenshit heel storyline in general) is getting to a point where Hell In A Cell is the only appropriate resolution.

It should either be used to prove that Alexa can hold the title against a top flight opponent on her own account or prove that she can't, drop the title to Sasha (please please please) and then start a storyline where Alexa resolves to improve her skills until she can hold her own, maybe as a lead in to a Royal Rumble or Wrestlemania match against another top flight opponent.

Just a thought. 

Why Nikki Cross and Asuka's Last Woman Standing match gives me hope

(no spoilers for the match result, I am genuinely recommending it and I don't want to give away the ending).

This might seem an odd moment of feminism but this was an absolutely brutal match and that's important. After the chronic botching of the women's Money In The Bank match, I for one needed a sign that the women's division wasn't just going to go off the rails.

Boy, did I get it.

This was a great match. I honestly mean that. My gold standard for Last Man/Woman Standing is Triple H versus Ric Flair which is one of my favourite matches ever. I have a lot of thoughts on how Flair hung on too long but the man has my eternal respect for how well he did in that match at his age (and, good grief, that spot with the screwdriver is just plain hard to watch).

But enough about old men brutalising each other for our entertainment, let's talk about two young women brutalising each other for our entertainment!

In all seriousness, this match was treated with all the seriousness that I felt the booking of Money In The Bank lacked with one exception... can we please stop putting adverts in the middle of main events? There were two ad breaks. Now, I like Roderick Strong and I am looking forward to him facing Bobby Roode for the title but, to be frank, its not what I was there for at that moment.

No, I was there for both women at various times going head first into the steel steps; Asuka drop kicking Nikki whilst Nikki was trapped inside a dustbin; Asuka taking an absolutely hair-raising DDT on the very edge of the ring apron and selling like a champ; Asuka being powerbombed onto a pile of chairs.

And, though I won't spell it out, the final spot. The winning moment. It was sheer brutality and a truly rare occasion when I was with the crowd when they started chanting “Holt shit!”. I do feel that chant has been devalued somewhat but it was truly deserved.

As I say, it might seem odd that I'm complimenting this as a return to form for the women's division but here we are. These two women were booked in a long, grueling match which they turned into an absolute belter. They were presented as fantastic athletes and unstoppable forces that could only clash in a match where winning involves beating the other person to exhaustion.

This is a definite step up from having a weak heel get a win off the back of her bloody boyfriend's interference.

Just, next time, let is see the match uninterrupted, please? 

MITB: would I be so angry if they were all men?

[SPOILER'S for last weekend's Money In The Bank pay-per-view, specifically the women's division matches]

So, to recap: the first ever women's Money In The Bank ladder match was last Sunday. It opened the show and is the latest in a line of gimmick matches being contested by WWE's female talent for the first time, or the first time after an absence of some years (I think there were Ironwomen matches before Sasha/Bailey but not for some time).

It ended, I kid you not, with Carmella's boyfriend / manager / hanger-on James Ellsworth climbing the ladder and throwing the case down to Carmella. Screwy finish, I probably wouldn't have minded. These things happen, it would hardly be the first time interference won a MITB match for a heel.

However... what we have here is a man winning the match for a woman.

I was livid. My best friend whose WWE Network subscription I was sponging off at the time, was livid. The cat next door was livid, though that might have been an unrelated issue.

Now, the best argument in favour that I've heard in favour of this decision is this: would I have been as mad about it if it were the first men's MITB and a manager had interfered on a male wrestler's behalf?

Well, the simple answer is “no”. The problem, though, is that I think this is one of those times where the argument is based on the idea of everything being equal when it isn't. Now, the WWE Women's Division is in a better state credibility-wise than it was two years ago. They've done a lot of gimmick matches and had them go well: Ironman, Hell In A Cell and Survivor Series Elimination off the top of my head. However, its still very fragile, especially for a first time match, which this was.

I'm not even saying I'm mad about Carmella winning. There's a long and honourable history of using the MITB case to elevate someone to a higher level. I'm not mad about Carmella getting a screwy win. She's a small woman in a division of much larger, more muscular women and she's a heel.

I just remember Santina.

This is Santina Marella. It is Santino Marella in a dress wearing a crown because he won a Women's Division (then the Divas Division) battle royal that was meant to celebrate the division's anniversary (I forget which one). The company brought in a whole bunch of well-respected and fondly remembered female talent for a massive match where hardly any of them got introductions and the match was won by... well, Santino Marella in a dress.

It was pretty much the worst thing ever. So, yes, there is a different tinge to a man getting involved in a women's match because it brings back memories of the bad old days, because in the past improvements in the division have been known to backslide when management decides not to take it seriously again, and because it is just plain damaging to Carmella as a performer to have her credibility overshadowed by James bloody Ellsworth (who I actually like, by the way, but who is hardly someone who lends credibility through his presence) when they clearly want her to be a top heel because SHE WON MONEY IN THE BANK!

Now, on this week's SmackDown, Daniel Bryan announced there would be another MITB match on next week's episode to decide a proper winner. Now, this smacks of course correction but, in my view, there can only be one winner:

Carmella.

I'm perfectly serious. The only sensible way I think this can work is if Ellsworth is banned from ringside (or placed in a shark cage above the ring because that never gets old) and she still wins. She should win dirty, by all means, but she should win on her own terms. Otherwise, if you give the case to someone else then the “first” Ms. Money In The Bank has to carry the stigma of being second choice to a bad choice but by keeping it with Carmella and having her win it under her own steam they can still run the same storylines they already had planned but build her up the way a main event heel should be built up.

I'm just tired of chickenshit heels who can't win on their own, frankly, I think they wasted months and months of Keven Owens' career on that and I don't want that thinking infecting the women's division.  

Extreme Rules 2017

(SPOILERS for this past Sunday's Extreme Rules pay-per-view)

“Predictable. Cautious. Extreme.” the opening moments of the show inform me because for some reason no one proof reads these things out loud. It was... kind of fitting, though.

Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz: Intercontinental Championship

(The Miz wins)

I question the logic of opening Extreme Rules with a match where the only stipulation is “ if the champion gets disqualified, he loses his championship”. That's actually a more vanilla match than usual and not extreme in any way. It could have worked, though, at another event and if Ambrose was not constantly losing his rag and on the verge of whacking the Miz with a chair. I genuinely think Ambrose could benefit from a proper, technical showcase if only to prove he can do it. He's a talented man and even if he needed carrying a bit in the absence of his usual set pieces then the Miz is absolutely the right person to carry him. The Miz is the right person to carry anyone.

I did love the moment with the exposed turnbuckle, though, where Ambrose had to stop himself slamming Miz's head into the metal fixture the Miz himself had exposed. On the subject of the Miz, though, they had him try for a chair shot and have to break a figure four leg lock at a four count but he should have been constantly flying close to disqualification just to goad Ambrose.

And it should have been on another show.

Even then it was so nearly a brilliant match and then Maryse slapped the Miz with the ref actually understanding what was happening. The official should have disqualified the Miz as she was interfering on his behalf, then there was the ref bump which “should” have had Dean disqualified and then there was a pin anyway. Bit of a mess, frankly.

And it should have been on another bloody show.

Noam Dar & Alicia Fox vs. Rich Swann & Sasha Banks: Cruiserweight Mixed Tag Match

(Swann & Banks win, Swann gets the pinfall)

First, Noam Dar deserved to get slapped for getting in Sasha's face. Second, bloody hell are mixed tag matches a terrible bloody idea. I mean, since they can't have the wrestlers of different genders in the same ring at the same time its just two different matches happening concurrently in the same ring. I adore Sasha Banks, I think Alicia Fox is great, Rich Swann is a fantastic cruiserweight and Noam Dar... I don't have much opinion on him, I don't watch much 205 Live, sorry pardon.

Also, “Noam Dr stole Alicia Fox...”. When did this become 2004 and the likes of Alicia Fox got reduced to an object for men to steal from each other and compete over?

And it had a sudden finish, which seemingly is a sexually transmitted disease that the Women's Division has passed on to the Cruiserweights. Speaking of which...

Bailey vs. Alex Bliss: Kendo Stick On A Pole Match

(Alexa Bliss retains)

It is such an awful stipulation: here's a kendo stick on top of a pole and whoever gets it down gets to use it. Thrilling.

Also, where does Alexa get off saying Bailey isn't extreme, she was in the first Ironwoman match! She has more experience with extreme rules than Alexa has. Why all this crap about “will Bailey use it?”. All that hesitating and chasing around and... why, oh why am I bored watching a Bailey match? And why wasn't Alexa using the stick a DQ offence when the stipulation, battered into us in the clips package, was that only the person who brings it down gets to use it? That was Bailey.

And I wasn't the only one bored. Bailey and Alexa looked pretty bloody unengaged during the whole affair. All this and a sudden finish as well. The clips package ran longer than the match!

Still, this match was useful for scientific purposes as we finally know what a bad Bailey match looks like.

The Hardy Boys vs. Shamus & Cesaro: Steel Cage Tag Team Championship Match

(Shamus & Cesaro win)

Man, Cesaro is agile, isn't he? The way he just jumped more than halfway up the cage in one bound was amazing. Escape only is a good stipulation, even if it means a lot of repeated spots of one guy getting most of the way up and being dragged back down.

Its actually a good match but there just isn't that much to say about it. People climbed up, people were pulled back down, Matt ended up on his own against Cesaro and Shamus and that was a great bit. I'm not sure when they stopped locking the door on these things and just allowing people to wander in and out of the cage at will but that generated a few pretty cool spots at least. I mean, everyone was a tactical ignoramus at some point or another but you can forgive that in a wrestling match so long as it looks cool.

And, honestly, the ending looked cool with the Hardys leaving via the door but not fast enough to beat Cesaro and Shamus climbing down the other side of the cage.

I am very much looking forward to the rematch.

Neville vs. Austin Aries: Cruiserweight Championship Submission Match

(Neville retains)

Now this is how its meant to work: an interesting juxtaposition of championship and stipulation. All the “flippy shit” of the Cruiserweight Division is meant to tire and batter the opponent to get a pin. So a submissions only match has an interesting dimension, helped by the fact that these are two of the most muscular men in their division. There was still plenty of the high flying athleticism that makes this weight class great but it all revolved around weakening the opponent to make a submission move more painful.

Aries struggling backwards to get a foot on the ropes when Neville had him in the Rings Of Saturn was a particular highlight. Neville tapping out but outside the ring so it doesn't “count” was a good way to allow him to retain without harming Aries' momentum. Also, it didn't drag on too long after the false submission so it didn't matter that it made the conclusion a little predictable.

Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe vs. Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns:

Fatal Five Way Number One Contender Match

(Samoa Joe wins)

AKA the reason I unsubscribed to What Culture Wrestling because this is the second main event they have spoiled for me with the bloody thumbnail of a What Just Happened? video. Sorry, Plumpy and company, but I can search for your stuff and have some control of what I see then.

Anyway, Joe wins and I knew that going in. I was hoping for Bray Wyatt because I have this pie-eyed notion that the most charismatic man in the room whose entrance relies on the audience loving him should probably be kept in the main event scene. However, I can hardly argue that Joe doesn't deserve it. He's had to make a long journey up to this level since joining the company and I can see why WWE want him facing Lesnar for the Beast's first defense (about six weeks after the 30 Day Rule stipulates it should be but since when has simple maths mattered?).

Roman deserves all the props for the wonderful comedy bit of just standing in the corner alone and then wandering the ring unmolested as the other four beat the crap out of each other. His look of bemusement as he strolls is just perfect.

Joe won't win it, not at a PPV called (good grief) Great Balls Of Fire. I'm absolutely convinced by the rumours that Lesnar will retain right up to 'Mania. I think it should be Balor who eventually beats Lesnar, by the way. As was pointed out a lot here, he never lost that title and he should win it again to restore the natural course of history. That said, I do like that Joe wins with a submission move (he is the Samoan Submission Machine, even if he seems to have left that nickname behind) and that could be a good thing to emphasise in the build-up to the Lesnar match.

He won't win but it should be an interesting technical match with Lesnar's massive power game versus Joe's submission style. 

The Mae Young Classic and the classic Mae Young

If, like me, you came into wrestling fandom in the early 2000s, you just can't help but like Mae Young. Even if, like me, you're nowhere near old enough to have seen her in her prime (she made her in-ring debut in 1939) she was a familiar sight in the WWE from 1999 to 2013 where you could only describe her (along with her frequent partner in comedy the Fabulous Moolah) as “the gamest old bird in the business”.

Over her post-retirement appearances in WWE she took part in an evening gown match where she was stripped to bra and panties in her late seventies; gave birth to a hand; gave birth to Hornswoggle; won a bikini contest; got power bombed through a table by Bubba Ray Dudley twice; was one of the many conquests of “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry; performed a strip tease in the middle of a bra and panties match in her early eighties; indulged Gene Snitksy's foot fetish in a backstage segment; got to kiss the Rock, Edge, Eric Bischoff and the Great Khali (with varying degrees of on-stage enthusiasm and consent by the men involved, the Rock loved it); and, was involved in implied backstage group sex to the visible horror of Jonathan Coachman and obvious delight of Mean Gene Okerlund and Pat Patterson (who was probably more interested in Mean Gene in that context but whatever).

Apart from this madness she is the only professional wrestler have wrestled in nine different decades. She was the first NWA Women's Champion (then a regional Florida territory title) and, during the Second World War, was instrumental in expanding women's wrestling whilst the men were away fighting in a similar way to how women's baseball took off in the same period.

She passed away in 2014, aged 90.

The woman's a legend in the industry and now she has a tournament named after her.

This is big. There are two other events named after legendary wrestlers in the WWE right now. There's the Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic, which runs annually on the developmental promotion NXT, the show where Dusty was a beloved trainer and talent developer. Then there's the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, an elimination match which is held at Wrestlemania every year and is generally used to promote the talents of the company's larger, more classically strongman-esque talent. Sadly, the Memorial Battle Royal has slid down the card to the pre-show in recent years but the win is still considered prestigious if a little poorly handled by the bookers.

Now, Mae Young joins this elite no-longer-fraternity. The only words I can think of is, obviously, that much abused but very appropriate chant:

“You deserve it.” 

The WWE Women's Division should not split

The WWE brand split is happening this week and, overall, I think it stands to be a positive move for the company. Oh, the two pay-per-views a month plan is all kinds of over-saturated stupid but I concede that Raw and Smackdown need to offer unique experiences to get people to watch all five hours of weekly content instead of just defaulting to Raw as the older, longer and more prestigious show (or just giving in and watching NXT, which is better, shorter and stuffed with new talent).

One thing concerns me, though: the Women's Division.

The Women's Division is not big enough to split. I wish it were. I wish we were in a position where we could have multiple women's titles split across two brands and a strong enough division with enough talent to make that much programming.

Sad thing is they aren't there yet. They're bloody closer than they've been in years. The women's matches are the best they've been since the since the heyday of Trish and Lita only with substantially more than two women about the place who can pull out those sort of performances.

But at the end of the day the new, improved and amazing Women's Divison is still built around a core of Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch and Charlotte. Yes, they could bring Bayley, Asuka and Nia Jax up to main roster (Bayley especially is overdue) but I still doubt you could get two shows out of the roster.

Frankly, and it sticks in my craw to say this, the Women's Division needs to stay on one show. If they're serious about keeping them absolutely separate the best thing would be to only have women's wrestling on Raw. I feel like a complete bastard saying it because for years I've wanted more women's wrestling, but...

I just... I have waited too long for this company to take its female talent seriously to see them squander it by spreading that talent too thin. 

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer, 1970 - 2016

This past week one of the greats of professional wrestling passed away.

On Wednesday, Joanie Laurer, known to wrestling fans around the world as Chyna, died at the tragically young age of 45. She debuted back in the Attitude Era as Triple H's bodyguard; was at one time in consideration to become the first ever female World Heavyweight Champion; actually was the only women ever to hold the Intercontinental Champion; and, was the first of only two women to ever appear in the Royal Rumble.

She was a big, muscular woman (a professional bodybuilder, in fact) working in wrestling when blonde hair and implants were basically part of the uniform. She almost always held power in her storylines and had dignity even when she didn't (with the exception of that... rather uncomfortable angle with Chris Jericho). She was a part of D-X in its most legendary form which alone makes her a major figure in the Monday Night Wars. She competed on a level with, and even feuded against, some of the best male wrestlers of her day. She even competed in a few inter-gender matches that weren't horrible to watch, even if one of them did seriously bring into question whether WWE's bookers know how vaginas work.

Like Trish Stratus and Lita she was one of those great female wrestlers who was better than the women's division of their day ever deserved, one of those who worked to elevate the form even as the industry itself sank into valuing female competitors only for their looks.

She was the Ninth Wonder of the World and we were privileged to have the glimpse we got of her. 

Guess who's injured today!

Okay, so Finn Balor left an NXT live event in Nashville on crutches this Friday. I'm not even sure I can remember the full list of injuries right now: Randy Orton, John Cena, Paige, Cesaro, Seth Rollins, Nikki Bella, Shamus, Daniel Bryan, Sin Cara, Rusev... that's just the ones I can remember.

Has anyone considered just booking an exorcism for WWE headquarters?

At this rate of attrition, the Wrestlemania card might actually be a four hour Iron Man match between Triple H and Frank The Audio Guy (if anyone remembers that joke...).

Okay, for serious, it's not all doom and gloom: there's AJ Styles and the other NJPW signings; Roman Reigns is currently being kept wrapped in pillows at all times by a heavily sweating Vince McMahon; the tag division is still mostly intact; and, 'Taker probably won't be competing until 'Mania and his presumed retirement match.

And then there are the women.

The women's division (and I will never call it the Diva's Division) has rarely, if ever, been in a healthier state than it is right now. Yes, the nine woman, three way “Divas Revolution” was a disaster of poor booking decisions but Charlotte's feud with Becky Lynch has been focused, well-written and brought us some great matches. Sasha's return from injury at The Royal Rumble got the biggest cheer of the night that didn't involve AJ Styles. Over on NXT we have the gloriously threatening Asuka and the brilliantly chirpy Bayley, who can get a crowd on their feet like few babyfaces I've ever seen. Bayley and Sasha's Iron Man match at NTX Takeover: Respect was the first time a women's match has headlined a WWE live special and it was amazing.

Now, there'll be a women's title match (never, NEVER going to call it the Diva's Championship) but maybe it's time to try pushing more women's matches on the grandest stage of them all?

Just a thought.