Random catch-up musings (featuring Wrestlemania and Takeover spoilers)

Okay, its been a while so what we got?

Well, Wrestlemania happened and so did Takeover: New Orleans. One of these shows was better than the other. I was very down on Wrestlemania this year. The disappointment started early with Asuka losing her match and her undefeated streak. I genuinely thought they were going to have her win and do the Brock Lesnar thing and hold the title Wrestlemania to Wrestlemania and have her drop it to... oh, probably Bailey.

Instead they had Asuka lose to Charlotte and (to quote a favourite sentiment of Jim Cornette) I don't see where the money is in this? They have spent so much time investing Asuka's undefeated streak with the proper weight and mystique, they allowed it to run so long it long ago beat Bill Goldberg's all time record.

And then she loses on her first big-time match on main roster.

Where's the money? Where's the money in breaking her record for Charlotte who is already over, already respected and a multiple time title holder? It doesn't make sense to me.

And the hits kept on coming. Brock Lesnar's interminable part-time Universal Championship run lumbers on for reasons we discovered the next evening when Lashley made his triumphant return to Raw. I can only hope the rumours are wrong and Lesnar is going to drop at the Greatest Royal Rumble instead of making us wait for SummerSlam. Nakamura/Styles was somehow a lot less interesting than the famous match they had at Wrestle Kingdom a couple years back just before they jumped ship to WWE. I really thought that was going to be an all-time classic.

And I just cannot get over the whole bizarre scenario of hiring the most famous female combat athlete in the world and having her debut in a match against a semi-trained 41 year old mother of two featuring two semi-retired old men. Really, Triple H and Angle should have been their own nostalgia match and at least let Rousey's first match be all-women.

To be honest, the highlights of the night for me were Xavier Woods playing the Dragonzord theme and the Bludgeon Brothers winning the tag belts less because I love the Bludgeon Brothers (though I do) but because it finally ends the wretched and over-extended Usos/New Day feud.

Takeover, meanwhile, could not have been better. Worth the money I didn't pay for it (we use my housemate's Network account) for Gargano vs. Ciampa which ran just over half an hour and was amazingly intense. The Six-Man Ladder Match for the North American Championship was amazing and I swear I have never expected be so hyped for the introduction of a mid-card title.

*****

On a happier note: Paige is the new General Manager of Smackdown Live! A female authority figure for Steph to bump up against. I know they want Rousey to be the female Stone Cold but I really think someone in a management position needs to exist who can stand up to her.

I also really hope this isn't just a stunt appointment for market Paige's biopic. I mean, obviously they're going to use it like that but I hope it outlasts the movie's release.

*****

DC finally made announcements about the post-Metal Justice League comics beyond the No Justice stuff they already announced. There's a new Justice League Dark with Wonder Woman and Zatanna which is interesting but the real news for me is Justice League Odyssey which not only has Cyborg leading a team featuring Jessica Cruz and Starfire but its going to be drawn by Stjepan Sejic, the amazing artist of Sunstone and a recent really good run on Aquaman.

*****

Roseanne came back and every time they interview John Goodman he looks like one of those hostages assuring their family they're fine and being fed and everyone is bein provided proper medical assistance. I grew up with that show and didn't know any of the stuff about Roseanne herself going a bit made and tyrannical towards the end of the original and now she's a bloody Pizzagate truther!

Oh, well, not like I'm starved for television I want to watch and keep not finding time for between the Arrowverse shows, the Marvel-Netflix stuff, Voltron: Legendary Defender, and that Lost In Space reboot.

*****

So, the solo Flash movie that became a Flashpoint movie is now a solo Flash movie again because DC figured if they were going to make another shit movie they might as well make the version of it that doesn't basically require expensive guest stars.

*****

I have developed a visceral hatred of Sam Ovens, a man who hawks business webinars in YouTube ads. Somehow I manage to get one of his ads on every video I watch and I watch a lot of stuff on YouTube. My only respite from his voice is the strange banjo accompanied adverts for toilet nowl nightlights.

*****

Marvel's upcoming Death of the Inhumans event is coming in July. I don't care. I genuinely do not give a shit. I have tried to care about the Inhumans since Inhumans vs. X-Men. I read Royals, which was okay, and Black Bolt, which was great but as a larger concept I can't say they grab me at all. “The X-Men but even more uncomfortably eugenic” isn't that good a pitch and I can't say I'm surprised we've reached this point.

However...

If this latest bullshit event has any negative consequences for Kamala Khan words will be had.

*****

Donald Trump has decided to pick a fight with the US Post Office because he doesn't understand that Amazon's free delivery isn't free to Amazon. He genuinely seems to believe that Amazon just declares they aren't paying postage and gets away with it. Don't get me wrong, Amazon is pretty evil and I don't doubt this is something they'd try if they thought they had he chance but the simple reality that should be apparent to anyone with a functional reasoning brain (or a White House full of functional reasoning brains they can consult at any hour of the day or night) that Amazon pays the postage fees out of their profit on the sale.

And that's the only Donald Trump news I want to do in this one because its Trump and there's a scandal a day with that guy.

Hopefully he'll be impeached or do something to terminally disappoint his personality cult of heavily armed, emotionally unstable racial supremacists some of whom, I'm told, are very fine people.

Okay, now I want to see Cena/'Taker at Wrestlemania

He can smell what the Rock is cooking...
and it smells like Texas barbecue.

I wasn't sold on the idea before, in fact I was violently opposed to it. I did not like Reigns/'Taker last year. I get that Undertaker wanted to go out on his back and he deserved to go out on his own terms. I actually like Roman Reigns even if I think the company has been booking him with staggering incompetence for years and ignoring more over talent in favour of him (Braun Strowman most especially). Still, Mark Calaway got to go out the way he wanted to and I was one of those in favour of us never seeing him on television again except for his inevitable Hall Of Fame induction and maybe as a shadowy figure beckoning from the top of the ramp the day Kane retires.

Then Monday's Raw happened and John Cena cut an in-ring promo on the Undertaker that was, to be frank, the return of the Cena I adore. He stood there in the ring, worked the crowd like a champ and demanded the Undertaker get over his own ego, get up from his defeat last year and get back in the damn ring on the grandest stage of them all.

Cena is a master of the promo and he felt more engaged here than he did at any point in his recent feud with Roman Reigns. I particularly loved the bit where he whips up the crowd by asking them who wanted to see him get his ass kicked at Wrestlemania.

You've got to love a man who get a crowd violently calling for his blood at his own insistence.

So, yes, I want to see this now even if only to see a better final match for the Dead Man. Also, to be frank, this was the match I was hoping would be booked for 'Taker's retirement and I know I'm not the only one.

And, finally, the biggie: should Cena win?

The Streak is long dead, this would likely actually be the end for Mark Calaway in the ring as he'll be fifty-three when the match comes round. There's no pressing business reason that Undertaker needs to win: he's either disappearing properly after this or continuing in this one match per year schedule (and, no disrespect to the man, that's probably wise). Cena, meanwhile, is still the face of the company and an ongoing prospect because even if he is continuing only as a part timer he's still there a hell of a lot more than Undertaker.

But I still think 'Taker should win. I think giving the Streak away the way they did was a mistake, I think losing to Reigns in his retirement match was never going to solve the problems the company is having with getting Reigns over.

And from what I've read about him and seen in interviews, Cena's an honourable guy with a lot of respect for his elders in his industry. Maybe this is all about giving Calaway the retirement match he deserves instead of the one that serves the best interests of the WWE. Call me a bluff old sentimentalist but maybe the Dead Man deserves one last win on the grandest stage of them all against the biggest name on the roster.

ROYAL RUMBLE SPOILER POST: a Rousey success?

Its been nearly a week now since the Rumble so I feel we can have a chat about this one: was having Ronda Rousey turn up after the Women's Royal Rumble a good idea?

I get why it was done. On paper, having the undefeated Asuka win the Women's Rumble is predictable and the WWE wanted something in their back pocket so they'd go out on a surprise. That is actually sensible. On paper. In practice having Asuka win was a fantastic moment in and of itself that capped off a fantastic match.

It was a moment that deserved to stand on its own especially as Ronda's debut cut Asuka off from challenging one of the two Women's champions (a moment that the male winner got and, my goodness, am I looking forward to Nakamura/Styles at Wrestlemania!). It felt like Asuka's moment was stepped on and she deserved that moment to herself, especially as Rousey did so little: she glared at a bunch of people, shook Stephanie McMahon's hand and then did some sign pointing which is, of course, a venerable Royal Rumble tradition.

Also, having mentioned Stephanie...

The WWE Women's Division needs one of two things to happen: either to debut a second female authority figure who is a face or for Stephanie to turn face herself because as it stands Stephanie is a heel who cannot ever get her comeuppance because whenever she's around women she's the patron saint of women's wrestling and (correctly) WWE does not do man-on-woman violence. Frankly, either Lita or Trish Stratus needs to come in as Women's Commissioner or some such similar title so we don't constantly have Stephanie flip-flopping between face and heel. Don't get me wrong: she worked to puch the division and she deserved her lap of honour for that but now some consistency needs to be imposed.

Anyway, that's me done on some random thoughts I've had in my head since Sunday. 

Before the Women's Revolution (Cyber Sunday 2008)

Looking at the WWE women's division these days its hard to believe that less than a decade ago you could tune in to a pay-per-view and the women's entire participation in the show was a costume contest. A sexy costume contest including a sexy nun, a sexy cop, Marilyn Munroe, Batgirl, Victoria dressed as a banana amongst others.

Why was Victoria dressed as a banana? Why was this a thing that some booker thought was a good use of her abilities? Was it in any way related to the fact she'd jump ship to TNA Impact a few months later?

Over the course of the show there were various cutaways to the women posing in their costumes and delivering horrible sexy one-liners to camera. They then lined up in the ring in their sexy costumes and Tazz announced the winner of the costume competition as voted by the fans on WWE.com.

Back in the day this was cringey. Looking at it from our modern perspective in the Space Year 2017 where the women's division has dumped the “Divas” branding, had a Hell In A Cell match, had a Money In The Bank match, where Asuka's undefeated streak has surpassed Goldberg's... its actively infuriating. I'm looking at a ring full of talent that had to travel to this show, that was being paid to be at this show (probably not much because B-show and sexism but still...).

Mickey James is standing in a ring with Victoria and they're both just standing there. Beth Phoenix is there, so's Natalya. There are fourteen women in that ring and there was no women's division match that night.

Then, to cap it all off, the crowning dick move of it all, once Mickey is announced as the winner they all just start fighting each other because women don't like losing or some shit. I have complained about some dumb booking of the women's division the last year or so (the Money In A Bank match springs to mind) but nothing compares to this offensive, pervy waste of talent. 

Hell In A Cell done right (and so very, very wrong)

[SPOILERS for this past weekend's Hell In A Cell pay-per-view, specifically the two HIAC matches that bookended the event: New Day vs. Usos and Kevin Owens vs. Shane O.Mac]

First of all, the bad: Hell In A Cell should not be a comedy match. As good as it got towards the end when the Usos unleashed the light bondage on Xavier Woods, it started with comedy shtick. There was a gong. There were rainbow-patterned kendo sticks. There were trombones of many colours. It wasn't good. It was a bad fit of performers, really, the New Day as faces just aren't people who should be in this sort of match.

Kevin Owens vs. Shane O'Mac, though: my goodness, that was HIAC done right.

The highlight of the match, obviously, was the whole business of the two men fighting on the top of the cage. Now, I know in my head that after that disaster all those years ago when Undertaker managed to throw Mick Foley through the cage roof and the very real damage that did to Foley that they must stress test that cage to destruction every time they intend to use it for standing on top of purposes. In spire of that, every step those two men took, every time one of them threw the other onto the chainlink, was a heart in my throat moment.

My housemate Matt and I watched it on Monday night and at least once each we both said “We'd know if one of them had died, right?”

It was a hell of a match. I'm still a bit annoyed there wasn't a women's HIAC match this year as I think Charlotte and Natalya could have put on a fantastic one (and also because the DQ finish is my only real criticism of the match they had here) and I was hoping that the trend of every gimmick PPV having both a men's and women's version of the titular match was going to continue.

Mostly I want this to hold true for reasons of feminism and equality but a tiny bit also because I want a second Women's Division Money In The Bank on PPV that gets won by a woman!

[Incidentally, as I write this there are reports Shane had to be rushed to hospital after the match with broken ribs. Unfortunately, every report I've read seems to be reading from a WWE press release that could be set-up for a storyline rather than reality.

Either way: get well soon, Shane, you mad, indestructible bastard.]

Cena vs. Reigns vs. the audience

ROMAN REIGNS

“... you suck.”

JOHN CENA

“According to them [the audience] so does he [Kurt Angle] and he won a gold medal.”

This past Monday on WWE Raw there was one of the best contract signing segments I have seen in years: John Cena and Roman Reigns signing for a match at No Mercy. Its hard to say that Cena does anything less than annihilate Reigns on the mic but the segment made some valid points about the reception of both wrestlers.

You see, WWE's longterm strategy is for Roman Reigns to replace John Cena as the face of the company. They have not been subtle about it, in fact they've been extraordinarily blatant and the audience just plain ain't having it. They fed him the win in the Undertaker's retirement match at Wrestlemania which is impressive for the faith it shows the company has in the man but, as Cena points out, it was a win against a man in his fifties with a bad hip.

The thing of it is that both these men have something in common: the often contentious relationship between how the company presents them to the audience and how the audience views them. With Cena you can see it swings both ways with the chant “Let's go Cena! Cena sucks!”. As has been said in the past, whether they love him or hate him they're chanting and that sort of feeling sells tickets.

With Roman its a bit more one way. The audience sees him being promoted and protected and they resent it. They see him, as pointed out in this segment, as an artificially created Cena replacement.

And thus it doesn't work.

Do I think it should? Not particularly. Reigns has some problems, how many are down to Reigns as a guy rather than the writing he's given to work with is questionable. I've no real problem with his in-ring work except where bad booking makes him look weak (such as the Royal Rumble where he disappears off for a nap which was peretty necessary but not a good visual and therefore the whole going beginning to end thing should probably not have been tried).

He has some problems on the mic, exemplified by when he utterly dries in this segment and Cena covers masterfully “Go ahead and find it. I'll wait.”. Now, that's an extreme example, Reigns rarely dries like that that I've seen.

Regardless, the subtext of this feud is whether Roman deserves Cena'a place. Cena's part time now and fair play: he's getting on by his industry's standard and he's getting married he doesn't want the constant touring schedule and he's important enough to be allowed that. It is a problem, though, that the guy coached to replace him just doesn't have the draw he still does as a part timer.

So can this elevate Reigns the way the company wants? Certainly there's a segment of the audience that wants John Cena to lose. The, not entirely unwarranted but not entirely fair, reputation Cena has for burying new talent is brought up in the segment as is the fact that he spent his whole most recent US Championship run promoting new talent through the US Open Challenge angle. Those who hate Cena think he needs taking down a peg or two and could afford to eat a loss and those who love Cena know he can carry people to great matches and have a spectacular one with even a moderately talented wrestler.

And Cena's right, this could be a Wrestlemania match we're talking about here and its scheduled for No Mercy. This match almost can't help but be great: two very talented performers, a lot of audience investment on both sides and a rather bigger name match-up than a B-show pay-per-view usually deserves.

Will it work? Maybe. Absent completely stupid booking decisions (like, oh... stripping Sasha Banks of her title on her first defence again whilst also making not only Alexa Bliss but Nia Jax look like chumps for goodness' sake!) the match itself can't help but be a barnstormer. Long term?

Reigns is languishing in the mid card when WWE wants him in the top card and he's not making a good go of it. Cena had the US Open Challenge and, as the Champ who is here says, Reigns treated that title like a demotion. It was, of course, but the fact it was visibly treated like that was poor work by the writers because it just made Reigns look arrogant and ungrateful.

Maybe going over Cena (which I am 99% certain is the plan if anyone has any sense in that writers' room) can undo some of the damage. This isn't a one-match problem but this could be a good start. 

SummerSlam 2017 predictions

Its the biggest party of the summer! Hopefully a better party than last year, when SummerSlam seemed to take place across geological time (it was a serious slog, that show). Anyway, predictions based on the most recent version of the card I could find:

THE PRE-SHOW

Cruiserweight Championship

Akira Tozawa (c) vs. Neville

I don't really follow 205 Live so I'm just going on the simple logic that Neville had a long run with the title and they're not going to give it back to him so soon. Tozawa to retain.

SmackDown Tag Team Championship

The New Day (c) vs. The Usos

I am one of those people who think the New Day need to break up and pursue singles careers but I don't think they're going to drop the title and start that journey on the bloody pre-show. The New Day to retain.

Six Man Tag Match

The Hardy Boyz vs. The Miz and The Miztourage

The reason we're not getting an Intercontinental Championship match on the main card. Also, exiling the Hardies to the undercard on a Big Four? I'm not sure I like this at all. Since its non-title I think the Hardies to win.

MAIN SHOW

SmackDown Women's Championship

Naomi (c) vs. Natalya

I think they're still building Naomi into the top-flight talent she deserves to be and a win against a “legacy” would be a good move... well, if Natalya had much momentum behind her which... eh. Naomi to retain.

Raw Women's Championship

Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Sasha Banks

My head says Alexa will retain but my heart really, really wants to Sasha to not only win but have a nice, long and consistent run with the belt. The woman bumps in ways that make me wince and I really think she deserves a better run than the hot potato runs she got between pay-per-views in her feud with Charlotte.

Banks to win, fingers crossed.

United States Championship

AJ Styles (c) vs. Kevin Owens (special guest referee Shane McMahon)

Its the rematch. Styles to retain.

Non-Title

Randy Orton vs. Rusev

I would rather like Rusev to win, especially after that whole flag match business. However, the long and legendary rivalry between the United States and Bulgaria (don't ask) means that I have Orton for this one.

Non-Title

Big Show vs. Big Cass (with Enzo Amore suspended above the ring in a shark cage)

This is a hard one. On the one hand, they are building up Big Cass but they also still want to pursue the Cass/Enzo angle which probably means that Big Show will win with assistance from Enzo via thingy dropped from the shark cage (which is a bit of a flaw in the whole shark cage idea).

Big Show via shenanigans.

Non-Title

Finn Bálor vs. Bray Wyatt

If they don't, as rumoured, bring back the Demon King gimmick for this one then WWE Creative are out of their minds. Regardless of that, this is Bray Wyatt on pay-per-view as well as being a return match for Finn so I reckon Bálor to win.

Non-Title

John Cena vs. Baron Corbin

Cena had that win when he came back for the flag match which was all patriotic and stuff so it counts double and they are really, really pushing Corbin so I think Cena will lie down and do what's best for business (which he does a lot, no matter what people choose to remember).

Corbin to win, probably dirty, this is John Cena we're talking about.

Raw Tag Team Championship

Cesaro and Shaemus (c) vs. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins

I think this new tag team alliance has some legs, especially as it will hopefully save us from more Rollins/Triple H rubbish. Plus, it might mean either a Shield reunion down the line or these two taking on Reigns some time in the future.

Ambrose and Rollins to win.

WWE Championship

Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

I'm just not feeling it with Nakamua on main roster. I don't think he's been treated quite seriously enough to take the gold this early. I think there's a better chance of Jinder dropping than Brock (I am absolutely believe the rumours Brock will retain all the way to Wrestlemania).

Jinder to retain, though I hold out a glimmer of hope.

Universal Championship Fatal 4-Way

Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe vs. Braun Strowman

See above. Brock to retain. 

Sasha Banks/Alexa Bliss for Hell In A Cell 2017!

[SPOILERS ahead for the Raw Women's Championship match at... *groans* Great Balls Of Fire. Do not proceed further if you haven't seen it)

I know their storyline will probably resolve at Summerslam because that's the next biggie but hear me out. Given the count out resolution to their match at Great Balls Of Fire the rematch will definitely be no DQs. So why not put a pin in it for a while, let Alexa get a few more screwy finishes and then, sometime early October, Sasha comes out on Raw with a mic and declares that the Boss will not let this shit stand!

“No more champion's advantage! No more running away! No more retaining by count out and disqualification! In two weeks, Alexa: you and me!

“Hell... in a Cell!”

Why? Well, for one, I want the women's Hell in a Cell match (and Money In The Bank and Survivor Series matches, for that matter) to continue and not be one off things. Second, the Sasha/Charlotte Hell In A Cell was apparently re-booked at the last minute with Sasha originally booked to win. It was a belter, regardless, even if the finish was a little sudden but I do think Sasha should have broken Charlotte's streak there and then.

My bitching aside, I do think this current feud (and Alexa's chickenshit heel storyline in general) is getting to a point where Hell In A Cell is the only appropriate resolution.

It should either be used to prove that Alexa can hold the title against a top flight opponent on her own account or prove that she can't, drop the title to Sasha (please please please) and then start a storyline where Alexa resolves to improve her skills until she can hold her own, maybe as a lead in to a Royal Rumble or Wrestlemania match against another top flight opponent.

Just a thought. 

Why Nikki Cross and Asuka's Last Woman Standing match gives me hope

(no spoilers for the match result, I am genuinely recommending it and I don't want to give away the ending).

This might seem an odd moment of feminism but this was an absolutely brutal match and that's important. After the chronic botching of the women's Money In The Bank match, I for one needed a sign that the women's division wasn't just going to go off the rails.

Boy, did I get it.

This was a great match. I honestly mean that. My gold standard for Last Man/Woman Standing is Triple H versus Ric Flair which is one of my favourite matches ever. I have a lot of thoughts on how Flair hung on too long but the man has my eternal respect for how well he did in that match at his age (and, good grief, that spot with the screwdriver is just plain hard to watch).

But enough about old men brutalising each other for our entertainment, let's talk about two young women brutalising each other for our entertainment!

In all seriousness, this match was treated with all the seriousness that I felt the booking of Money In The Bank lacked with one exception... can we please stop putting adverts in the middle of main events? There were two ad breaks. Now, I like Roderick Strong and I am looking forward to him facing Bobby Roode for the title but, to be frank, its not what I was there for at that moment.

No, I was there for both women at various times going head first into the steel steps; Asuka drop kicking Nikki whilst Nikki was trapped inside a dustbin; Asuka taking an absolutely hair-raising DDT on the very edge of the ring apron and selling like a champ; Asuka being powerbombed onto a pile of chairs.

And, though I won't spell it out, the final spot. The winning moment. It was sheer brutality and a truly rare occasion when I was with the crowd when they started chanting “Holt shit!”. I do feel that chant has been devalued somewhat but it was truly deserved.

As I say, it might seem odd that I'm complimenting this as a return to form for the women's division but here we are. These two women were booked in a long, grueling match which they turned into an absolute belter. They were presented as fantastic athletes and unstoppable forces that could only clash in a match where winning involves beating the other person to exhaustion.

This is a definite step up from having a weak heel get a win off the back of her bloody boyfriend's interference.

Just, next time, let is see the match uninterrupted, please? 

MITB: would I be so angry if they were all men?

[SPOILER'S for last weekend's Money In The Bank pay-per-view, specifically the women's division matches]

So, to recap: the first ever women's Money In The Bank ladder match was last Sunday. It opened the show and is the latest in a line of gimmick matches being contested by WWE's female talent for the first time, or the first time after an absence of some years (I think there were Ironwomen matches before Sasha/Bailey but not for some time).

It ended, I kid you not, with Carmella's boyfriend / manager / hanger-on James Ellsworth climbing the ladder and throwing the case down to Carmella. Screwy finish, I probably wouldn't have minded. These things happen, it would hardly be the first time interference won a MITB match for a heel.

However... what we have here is a man winning the match for a woman.

I was livid. My best friend whose WWE Network subscription I was sponging off at the time, was livid. The cat next door was livid, though that might have been an unrelated issue.

Now, the best argument in favour that I've heard in favour of this decision is this: would I have been as mad about it if it were the first men's MITB and a manager had interfered on a male wrestler's behalf?

Well, the simple answer is “no”. The problem, though, is that I think this is one of those times where the argument is based on the idea of everything being equal when it isn't. Now, the WWE Women's Division is in a better state credibility-wise than it was two years ago. They've done a lot of gimmick matches and had them go well: Ironman, Hell In A Cell and Survivor Series Elimination off the top of my head. However, its still very fragile, especially for a first time match, which this was.

I'm not even saying I'm mad about Carmella winning. There's a long and honourable history of using the MITB case to elevate someone to a higher level. I'm not mad about Carmella getting a screwy win. She's a small woman in a division of much larger, more muscular women and she's a heel.

I just remember Santina.

This is Santina Marella. It is Santino Marella in a dress wearing a crown because he won a Women's Division (then the Divas Division) battle royal that was meant to celebrate the division's anniversary (I forget which one). The company brought in a whole bunch of well-respected and fondly remembered female talent for a massive match where hardly any of them got introductions and the match was won by... well, Santino Marella in a dress.

It was pretty much the worst thing ever. So, yes, there is a different tinge to a man getting involved in a women's match because it brings back memories of the bad old days, because in the past improvements in the division have been known to backslide when management decides not to take it seriously again, and because it is just plain damaging to Carmella as a performer to have her credibility overshadowed by James bloody Ellsworth (who I actually like, by the way, but who is hardly someone who lends credibility through his presence) when they clearly want her to be a top heel because SHE WON MONEY IN THE BANK!

Now, on this week's SmackDown, Daniel Bryan announced there would be another MITB match on next week's episode to decide a proper winner. Now, this smacks of course correction but, in my view, there can only be one winner:

Carmella.

I'm perfectly serious. The only sensible way I think this can work is if Ellsworth is banned from ringside (or placed in a shark cage above the ring because that never gets old) and she still wins. She should win dirty, by all means, but she should win on her own terms. Otherwise, if you give the case to someone else then the “first” Ms. Money In The Bank has to carry the stigma of being second choice to a bad choice but by keeping it with Carmella and having her win it under her own steam they can still run the same storylines they already had planned but build her up the way a main event heel should be built up.

I'm just tired of chickenshit heels who can't win on their own, frankly, I think they wasted months and months of Keven Owens' career on that and I don't want that thinking infecting the women's division.  

Extreme Rules 2017

(SPOILERS for this past Sunday's Extreme Rules pay-per-view)

“Predictable. Cautious. Extreme.” the opening moments of the show inform me because for some reason no one proof reads these things out loud. It was... kind of fitting, though.

Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz: Intercontinental Championship

(The Miz wins)

I question the logic of opening Extreme Rules with a match where the only stipulation is “ if the champion gets disqualified, he loses his championship”. That's actually a more vanilla match than usual and not extreme in any way. It could have worked, though, at another event and if Ambrose was not constantly losing his rag and on the verge of whacking the Miz with a chair. I genuinely think Ambrose could benefit from a proper, technical showcase if only to prove he can do it. He's a talented man and even if he needed carrying a bit in the absence of his usual set pieces then the Miz is absolutely the right person to carry him. The Miz is the right person to carry anyone.

I did love the moment with the exposed turnbuckle, though, where Ambrose had to stop himself slamming Miz's head into the metal fixture the Miz himself had exposed. On the subject of the Miz, though, they had him try for a chair shot and have to break a figure four leg lock at a four count but he should have been constantly flying close to disqualification just to goad Ambrose.

And it should have been on another show.

Even then it was so nearly a brilliant match and then Maryse slapped the Miz with the ref actually understanding what was happening. The official should have disqualified the Miz as she was interfering on his behalf, then there was the ref bump which “should” have had Dean disqualified and then there was a pin anyway. Bit of a mess, frankly.

And it should have been on another bloody show.

Noam Dar & Alicia Fox vs. Rich Swann & Sasha Banks: Cruiserweight Mixed Tag Match

(Swann & Banks win, Swann gets the pinfall)

First, Noam Dar deserved to get slapped for getting in Sasha's face. Second, bloody hell are mixed tag matches a terrible bloody idea. I mean, since they can't have the wrestlers of different genders in the same ring at the same time its just two different matches happening concurrently in the same ring. I adore Sasha Banks, I think Alicia Fox is great, Rich Swann is a fantastic cruiserweight and Noam Dar... I don't have much opinion on him, I don't watch much 205 Live, sorry pardon.

Also, “Noam Dr stole Alicia Fox...”. When did this become 2004 and the likes of Alicia Fox got reduced to an object for men to steal from each other and compete over?

And it had a sudden finish, which seemingly is a sexually transmitted disease that the Women's Division has passed on to the Cruiserweights. Speaking of which...

Bailey vs. Alex Bliss: Kendo Stick On A Pole Match

(Alexa Bliss retains)

It is such an awful stipulation: here's a kendo stick on top of a pole and whoever gets it down gets to use it. Thrilling.

Also, where does Alexa get off saying Bailey isn't extreme, she was in the first Ironwoman match! She has more experience with extreme rules than Alexa has. Why all this crap about “will Bailey use it?”. All that hesitating and chasing around and... why, oh why am I bored watching a Bailey match? And why wasn't Alexa using the stick a DQ offence when the stipulation, battered into us in the clips package, was that only the person who brings it down gets to use it? That was Bailey.

And I wasn't the only one bored. Bailey and Alexa looked pretty bloody unengaged during the whole affair. All this and a sudden finish as well. The clips package ran longer than the match!

Still, this match was useful for scientific purposes as we finally know what a bad Bailey match looks like.

The Hardy Boys vs. Shamus & Cesaro: Steel Cage Tag Team Championship Match

(Shamus & Cesaro win)

Man, Cesaro is agile, isn't he? The way he just jumped more than halfway up the cage in one bound was amazing. Escape only is a good stipulation, even if it means a lot of repeated spots of one guy getting most of the way up and being dragged back down.

Its actually a good match but there just isn't that much to say about it. People climbed up, people were pulled back down, Matt ended up on his own against Cesaro and Shamus and that was a great bit. I'm not sure when they stopped locking the door on these things and just allowing people to wander in and out of the cage at will but that generated a few pretty cool spots at least. I mean, everyone was a tactical ignoramus at some point or another but you can forgive that in a wrestling match so long as it looks cool.

And, honestly, the ending looked cool with the Hardys leaving via the door but not fast enough to beat Cesaro and Shamus climbing down the other side of the cage.

I am very much looking forward to the rematch.

Neville vs. Austin Aries: Cruiserweight Championship Submission Match

(Neville retains)

Now this is how its meant to work: an interesting juxtaposition of championship and stipulation. All the “flippy shit” of the Cruiserweight Division is meant to tire and batter the opponent to get a pin. So a submissions only match has an interesting dimension, helped by the fact that these are two of the most muscular men in their division. There was still plenty of the high flying athleticism that makes this weight class great but it all revolved around weakening the opponent to make a submission move more painful.

Aries struggling backwards to get a foot on the ropes when Neville had him in the Rings Of Saturn was a particular highlight. Neville tapping out but outside the ring so it doesn't “count” was a good way to allow him to retain without harming Aries' momentum. Also, it didn't drag on too long after the false submission so it didn't matter that it made the conclusion a little predictable.

Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe vs. Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns:

Fatal Five Way Number One Contender Match

(Samoa Joe wins)

AKA the reason I unsubscribed to What Culture Wrestling because this is the second main event they have spoiled for me with the bloody thumbnail of a What Just Happened? video. Sorry, Plumpy and company, but I can search for your stuff and have some control of what I see then.

Anyway, Joe wins and I knew that going in. I was hoping for Bray Wyatt because I have this pie-eyed notion that the most charismatic man in the room whose entrance relies on the audience loving him should probably be kept in the main event scene. However, I can hardly argue that Joe doesn't deserve it. He's had to make a long journey up to this level since joining the company and I can see why WWE want him facing Lesnar for the Beast's first defense (about six weeks after the 30 Day Rule stipulates it should be but since when has simple maths mattered?).

Roman deserves all the props for the wonderful comedy bit of just standing in the corner alone and then wandering the ring unmolested as the other four beat the crap out of each other. His look of bemusement as he strolls is just perfect.

Joe won't win it, not at a PPV called (good grief) Great Balls Of Fire. I'm absolutely convinced by the rumours that Lesnar will retain right up to 'Mania. I think it should be Balor who eventually beats Lesnar, by the way. As was pointed out a lot here, he never lost that title and he should win it again to restore the natural course of history. That said, I do like that Joe wins with a submission move (he is the Samoan Submission Machine, even if he seems to have left that nickname behind) and that could be a good thing to emphasise in the build-up to the Lesnar match.

He won't win but it should be an interesting technical match with Lesnar's massive power game versus Joe's submission style. 

The Mae Young Classic and the classic Mae Young

If, like me, you came into wrestling fandom in the early 2000s, you just can't help but like Mae Young. Even if, like me, you're nowhere near old enough to have seen her in her prime (she made her in-ring debut in 1939) she was a familiar sight in the WWE from 1999 to 2013 where you could only describe her (along with her frequent partner in comedy the Fabulous Moolah) as “the gamest old bird in the business”.

Over her post-retirement appearances in WWE she took part in an evening gown match where she was stripped to bra and panties in her late seventies; gave birth to a hand; gave birth to Hornswoggle; won a bikini contest; got power bombed through a table by Bubba Ray Dudley twice; was one of the many conquests of “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry; performed a strip tease in the middle of a bra and panties match in her early eighties; indulged Gene Snitksy's foot fetish in a backstage segment; got to kiss the Rock, Edge, Eric Bischoff and the Great Khali (with varying degrees of on-stage enthusiasm and consent by the men involved, the Rock loved it); and, was involved in implied backstage group sex to the visible horror of Jonathan Coachman and obvious delight of Mean Gene Okerlund and Pat Patterson (who was probably more interested in Mean Gene in that context but whatever).

Apart from this madness she is the only professional wrestler have wrestled in nine different decades. She was the first NWA Women's Champion (then a regional Florida territory title) and, during the Second World War, was instrumental in expanding women's wrestling whilst the men were away fighting in a similar way to how women's baseball took off in the same period.

She passed away in 2014, aged 90.

The woman's a legend in the industry and now she has a tournament named after her.

This is big. There are two other events named after legendary wrestlers in the WWE right now. There's the Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic, which runs annually on the developmental promotion NXT, the show where Dusty was a beloved trainer and talent developer. Then there's the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, an elimination match which is held at Wrestlemania every year and is generally used to promote the talents of the company's larger, more classically strongman-esque talent. Sadly, the Memorial Battle Royal has slid down the card to the pre-show in recent years but the win is still considered prestigious if a little poorly handled by the bookers.

Now, Mae Young joins this elite no-longer-fraternity. The only words I can think of is, obviously, that much abused but very appropriate chant:

“You deserve it.” 

Jinder annoys me less than Brock

Its been almost a week since Backlash. The main event had a divisive result and, initially, I hated it. I still think it was too soon and very cynically motivated but, ultimately, Jinder Mahal as WWE Champion annoys me less than Brock Lesnar as Universal Champion. Praising with faint damnation, I know, but that's where we are.

Brock, as good as he is, is a part timer right now. The main event for Extreme Rules is a number one contenders match because he's a part timer.

The thing is, on the off-chance that Jinder isn't a good heel champion, the WWE Championship can survive a bad title reign. This title has graced the waist of the likes of John Cena, Ric Flair and Stone Cold Steve Austin. It has legacy, it has staying power, it has Randy Orton to jump in when you need a decent transitional champion.

Then there's the jam belt...

The Universal Championship has graced a grand total of four waists in its less than a year of life: Finn Balor, Kevin Owens, Bill Goldberg and, now, Brock Lesnar. Balor and Owens were fresh talent just up from NXT, the future faces of the industry being propelled into the big time with a top card title. It was sad that Balor had to vacate right after winning it but Owens was more than worthy replacement even if he spent too much of his reign as a chickenshit hiding behind Chris Jericho.

Then Goldberg defeated Owens in a match that lasted a matter of seconds bell to bell and for no better reason than to up the stakes of Goldberg/Lesnar III when it could have ridden on macho the honour grudge alone. Goldberg was a old guy coming in for one last series of three matches, only the last of which ran more than two minutes and he dropped it to another part-timer who now won't even be defending the title on the next pay-per-view down the line. I know the full card hasn't been announced yet but giving the Backlash plug to the number one contenders match is highly suggestive.

Hell, even as sick of Brock's ridiculous invincibility as I am, the idea of throwing that into an Extreme Rules match actually interests me. I'd love to see Brock, hopefully on a day he can bothered, is a street fight or a TLC match. It would bring him out of his comfort zone of pure athletics and give us something we don't usually get with him. We saw a hint of that when he had his match against Ambrose but then he beat Ambrose pretty quickly.

And whilst we're spitballing pie in the sky ideas, I'd love to see Lesnar do a Hell In A Cell against someone other than the Undertaker just to see how that would go.

But Brock as a barely there champion on a belt that started off being about the new, up and coming talent we hadn't seen in the main event scene before? I just can't get excited about that. At least Jinder has the intrigue of the new and unexpected about him.

Unexpected for a bloody good reason but unexpected nonetheless. 

Backlash predictions

Right, predictions time. Keep forgetting to do these so let's start these again with, to my mind, one of the most predictable cards this year:

Sami Zayn vs. Baron Corbin

I would personally prefer Sami Zayn to win this one because I always like it when Sami wins, its a great start to any show and the crowd really gets behind him. That said, he is also really, really good at swallowing a loss and I can't deny that Corbin rather in need of more for credibility reasons.

Corbin to win.

Luke Harper vs. Eric Rowan

Luke Harper is practically invulnerable and I am fine with that. I like Eric Rowan but Harper is being built and built and built right now, so...

Luke Harper to win.

6 Woman (and 1 Man) Tag Match

Becky Lynch, Naomi and Charlotte vs.

Carmella, Natalya, Tamins and James Elsworth

Do we seriously believe that the side that has James Elsworth on it is going to win? He will definitely interfere, he will definitely give his team an edge for about and they will definitely lose. The only way I see them winning is if Charlotte turns heel again in the middle.

Becky, Naomi and Charlotte to win.

US Title

Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles

Hmm... this is a hard one. Its a bloody dream match, don't get me wrong, and I think it could definitely go either way. Frankly, this is a match I'm looking forward to the a lot more than the main event (sorry, Jinder). I think Owens needs to retain, though, since he only won it quite recently. I think it'll be a screwy win so Styles can stay strong

Owens to retain.

SmackDown Tag Team Championship

Fashion Police vs. the Usos

Don't much care. I would like the Fashion Police to win since I like them marginally more than the Usos. Nothing against the fellows but they've just never clicked with me. That said, I don't think the Fashion Police have been terribly well used since they formed and I don't see them getting a title push until they've fought their way out of that rut.

The Usos to retain.

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Dolph Ziggler

Now, I like Dolph. I respect Dolph. I think he should have had a slightly more extravagantly successful career than he's had. I think that the turn around the last couple of years with him feuding with the Miz and winning has been great and he deserved that win. However, I cannot imagine any sort of logic, even the sort that goes on in the Freudian nightmare that is a WWE booker's head, where Shinsuke Nakamura loses his first main roster PPV match to Dolph Ziggler, a man who has made something of a speciality of lying down for the deserving.

Nakamura to win.

World Championship

Randy Orton vs. Jinder Mahal

As much as Randy Orton is the designated transitional champion these days and Jinder Mahal is clearly someone WWE wants to push to the moon to snag the emerging Indian audience... I just don't see it. Sorry, Jinder. If this goes to a series and they can make a real showcase of it then I think it might happen but not on their first PPV match-up. It could happen but I don't think Jinder is quite finished cooking yet.

Orton to retain.

How do you solve a problem like Otunga?

Now, I don't want it to sound like I hate the perishing sight of David Otunga. I'm not like Plumpy (the man once known as Adam Blampied) who has been known to describe the man as “the death of all joy” but I do think something needs to be done about the four man commentary booth on Smackdown Live and Otunga is the weak link.

Mauro Ranallo is the strongest link, of course, which makes his presumed departure from the show and the company all the more gutting. In an ideal world Ranallo would be the play-by-play to Corey Graves' colour commentary and we'd finally have a dream team to rival the legendary days of JR and King.

But we address the world as we find it, so here we are.

The problem with three- and four-man commentary teams is that people keep talking over each other or, worse, everyone stops talking and painful seconds pass as everyone wonders if its meant to be their turn.

Two-man booths work because when you have two people it is very clear whose turn it is to talk. You don't end up with David Otunga cutting across JBL to say something banal because they both think its their turn. He also, to be brutally honest, doesn't have the strongest voice, which when you have JBL next to you is a real problem.

But I am a good little socialist and I don't want to see a man lose his job for being boring. So what to do with him?

Well, frankly, I'd go back to what he was before: WWE's resident lawyer who happens to be a wrestler (ex-wrestler now). You see, Otunga is legitimately a Harvard graduate and so when he moved out of active competition he played a lawyer character whose job was basically to back up the boss and make people suffer.

So my idea is this: Otunga goes to work “backstage” as the WWE's Senior VP Of Intellectual Property And Licensing.

You remember when they had to book all those matches with a shark cage suspended above the ring because the company that makes the WWE toys made a playset without asking them if it made any sense? Well, now, Otunga is the man on screen charged with shilling that and anything else they decide to make. He books matches that are all about advertising, the corporate side of the company, getting the name out there. He becomes, effectively, an authority figure whose entire gimmick is shilling.

Sort of like John Laurinaitis but bearable.

The WWE could get a lot of real world use out of him in the role, too. His voice might not be terribly distinctive but he's an attractive bloke, well-spoken and articulate just not terribly compelling in a crowded environment. As a public speaker, for instance at press conferences that aren't quite Triple H levels of important, he'd probably be pretty engaging.

As a face he'd be goofy (like with trying to sell the idea of shark cage-esque matches to wrestlers and audiences) whilst as a heel he'd be putting wrestlers into humiliating matches and scenarios “for the good of the brand”. He would be the front man for anything new and a go between when different authority figures have different ideas (rather than having the MacMahon of the moment arguing with their commissioner at the start of every... bastard... episode).

Just an idea.

Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns vs. audience sympathy

I don't hate Roman Reigns. Seriously, I don't. He's a perfectly competent wrestler and I've nothing against the man.

That having been said, if they're feeding him the Undertaker's retirement match, worse yet if Reigns wins, I will burn England to the ground (to paraphrase Adam Blampied). The problem is that you know that if this is 'Taker's last match he's going out on his back. He is the oldest of the old school and he is not going out on a win. No matter that not a wrestling fan in the world would begrudge him going out on a win. He's the Undertaker, only Hulk Hogan has legitimate claim to being more iconic than this man.

And even if 'Taker has to go out on a loss, why oh why does it have to be Reigns? I don't hate him but the WWE's obsession with selling him as a main eventer is what's burying him with the audience. They had to turn down the audience audio on Reigns/Triple H at the last Wrestlemania because of thunderous audience booing.

Now they're giving him the Undertaker match? Perhaps the final Undertaker match?

If they waste the retirement match of a legend on Reigns I don't think his standing with the audience will ever recover. I think the resentment will follow him forever and that would be sad. I genuinely believe Reigns could get over as a mid-card heel, at least on the evidence of his recent feud with Rusev. That worked, albeit in a funny way where the bookers thought Reigns was the face even though he ruined Rusev and Lana's wedding. Still, he acted like a bad guy and the feud fed off the existing heat he had with the audience.

Now, I don't think any final match will really equal the mythic status that 'Taker's last match should have but throwing it away trying to get a man over out of sheer belligerence is just squandering a unique opportunity.