Before the Women's Revolution (Cyber Sunday 2008)

Looking at the WWE women's division these days its hard to believe that less than a decade ago you could tune in to a pay-per-view and the women's entire participation in the show was a costume contest. A sexy costume contest including a sexy nun, a sexy cop, Marilyn Munroe, Batgirl, Victoria dressed as a banana amongst others.

Why was Victoria dressed as a banana? Why was this a thing that some booker thought was a good use of her abilities? Was it in any way related to the fact she'd jump ship to TNA Impact a few months later?

Over the course of the show there were various cutaways to the women posing in their costumes and delivering horrible sexy one-liners to camera. They then lined up in the ring in their sexy costumes and Tazz announced the winner of the costume competition as voted by the fans on WWE.com.

Back in the day this was cringey. Looking at it from our modern perspective in the Space Year 2017 where the women's division has dumped the “Divas” branding, had a Hell In A Cell match, had a Money In The Bank match, where Asuka's undefeated streak has surpassed Goldberg's... its actively infuriating. I'm looking at a ring full of talent that had to travel to this show, that was being paid to be at this show (probably not much because B-show and sexism but still...).

Mickey James is standing in a ring with Victoria and they're both just standing there. Beth Phoenix is there, so's Natalya. There are fourteen women in that ring and there was no women's division match that night.

Then, to cap it all off, the crowning dick move of it all, once Mickey is announced as the winner they all just start fighting each other because women don't like losing or some shit. I have complained about some dumb booking of the women's division the last year or so (the Money In A Bank match springs to mind) but nothing compares to this offensive, pervy waste of talent. 

John Cena and the Power of Shazam!

There are a few rumours floating around about actors in consideration for DC's upcoming Shazam movie. We already know that Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has been cast as Black Adam (or whatever they call him because... that name ain't getting through editing) and, funnily enough, one of the names in consideration for Shazam the superhero is John Cena.

Three times in a lifetime, eh?

Anyway: how perfect would that be? Is there a better person to play a superhero who is the idealised self-projection of a ten year old boy? That's basically what John Cena's in-ring persona (and much of his actual personality, it often seems) is anyway. Yes, he plays up to the kids in the audience and that's absolutely a corporate decision but its hard to say he doesn't make it work.

Plus, just look at the man. You couldn't get a more perfect superhero physique if the man was an actual Jack Kirby creation. He has such a wonderfully innocent perplexed expression that would be perfect for Billy encountering complex adult things and being utterly baffled.

There are other actors under consideration, at least according to the rumours, but I really hope this happens because more perfect casting does not exist. 

Cena vs. Reigns vs. the audience

ROMAN REIGNS

“... you suck.”

JOHN CENA

“According to them [the audience] so does he [Kurt Angle] and he won a gold medal.”

This past Monday on WWE Raw there was one of the best contract signing segments I have seen in years: John Cena and Roman Reigns signing for a match at No Mercy. Its hard to say that Cena does anything less than annihilate Reigns on the mic but the segment made some valid points about the reception of both wrestlers.

You see, WWE's longterm strategy is for Roman Reigns to replace John Cena as the face of the company. They have not been subtle about it, in fact they've been extraordinarily blatant and the audience just plain ain't having it. They fed him the win in the Undertaker's retirement match at Wrestlemania which is impressive for the faith it shows the company has in the man but, as Cena points out, it was a win against a man in his fifties with a bad hip.

The thing of it is that both these men have something in common: the often contentious relationship between how the company presents them to the audience and how the audience views them. With Cena you can see it swings both ways with the chant “Let's go Cena! Cena sucks!”. As has been said in the past, whether they love him or hate him they're chanting and that sort of feeling sells tickets.

With Roman its a bit more one way. The audience sees him being promoted and protected and they resent it. They see him, as pointed out in this segment, as an artificially created Cena replacement.

And thus it doesn't work.

Do I think it should? Not particularly. Reigns has some problems, how many are down to Reigns as a guy rather than the writing he's given to work with is questionable. I've no real problem with his in-ring work except where bad booking makes him look weak (such as the Royal Rumble where he disappears off for a nap which was peretty necessary but not a good visual and therefore the whole going beginning to end thing should probably not have been tried).

He has some problems on the mic, exemplified by when he utterly dries in this segment and Cena covers masterfully “Go ahead and find it. I'll wait.”. Now, that's an extreme example, Reigns rarely dries like that that I've seen.

Regardless, the subtext of this feud is whether Roman deserves Cena'a place. Cena's part time now and fair play: he's getting on by his industry's standard and he's getting married he doesn't want the constant touring schedule and he's important enough to be allowed that. It is a problem, though, that the guy coached to replace him just doesn't have the draw he still does as a part timer.

So can this elevate Reigns the way the company wants? Certainly there's a segment of the audience that wants John Cena to lose. The, not entirely unwarranted but not entirely fair, reputation Cena has for burying new talent is brought up in the segment as is the fact that he spent his whole most recent US Championship run promoting new talent through the US Open Challenge angle. Those who hate Cena think he needs taking down a peg or two and could afford to eat a loss and those who love Cena know he can carry people to great matches and have a spectacular one with even a moderately talented wrestler.

And Cena's right, this could be a Wrestlemania match we're talking about here and its scheduled for No Mercy. This match almost can't help but be great: two very talented performers, a lot of audience investment on both sides and a rather bigger name match-up than a B-show pay-per-view usually deserves.

Will it work? Maybe. Absent completely stupid booking decisions (like, oh... stripping Sasha Banks of her title on her first defence again whilst also making not only Alexa Bliss but Nia Jax look like chumps for goodness' sake!) the match itself can't help but be a barnstormer. Long term?

Reigns is languishing in the mid card when WWE wants him in the top card and he's not making a good go of it. Cena had the US Open Challenge and, as the Champ who is here says, Reigns treated that title like a demotion. It was, of course, but the fact it was visibly treated like that was poor work by the writers because it just made Reigns look arrogant and ungrateful.

Maybe going over Cena (which I am 99% certain is the plan if anyone has any sense in that writers' room) can undo some of the damage. This isn't a one-match problem but this could be a good start. 

Get well soon, Asuka

Last night, it was reported via WhatCulture that Asuka had vacated the NXT Women's Title following a collarbone injury at Takeover: Brooklyn III. It was further reported that she was expected to take at least three months off to recover and that she was in talks to move up to the main roster when she did rather than returning to NXT.

First off, best wishes to Asuka for a speedy and trouble free recovery.

Less importamntly, of course, is my smarky opinion that this is probably a good way to handle the situation. According to WhatCulture Asuka's undefeated streak ran 523 days. Rather famously, it eclipsed even the undefeated streak of Bill Goldberg back in the day. And this wasn't just her run with the title, she remains undefeated in her entire WWE career.

And if she does up to main roster still undefeated, I think that's a good idea.

Let me explain: going up to main roster is the point of NXT. The show is still technically WWE's “developmental” product meant to get people over with the audience and letting them hone their character in a smaller setting. It s a good idea but there have been some problems.

You see, I'm not sure who would be worthy to have ended Asuka's undefeated streak. Okay, the answer is blatantly Ember Moon and I'm baffled that it didn't happen at Brooklyn III but here's my issue: would you really want to end the longest undefeated streak in modern WWE (I'm willing to bet there's a longer one in days of yore that isn't getting mentioned) on the developmental show?

You see my problem. This streak is a big thing and yet, by its very nature, it was going to have to end on a small time show. Whoever knocks Asuka off her perch is going to get one hell of a boost from it and whilst Ember Moon is more than worthy (as is, in my opinion, Nikki Cross) there's probably more prestige to be handed out from this than NXT can give.

This could be something main event worthy. This could be worthy of Hell In A Cell (not this year's, obviously) or some other major showcase match. Having her come into main roster with her winning streak intact means she comes into that title scene with a huge level of prestige that would have been somewhat diminished by breaking the streak beforehand. 

SummerSlam 2017 predictions

Its the biggest party of the summer! Hopefully a better party than last year, when SummerSlam seemed to take place across geological time (it was a serious slog, that show). Anyway, predictions based on the most recent version of the card I could find:

THE PRE-SHOW

Cruiserweight Championship

Akira Tozawa (c) vs. Neville

I don't really follow 205 Live so I'm just going on the simple logic that Neville had a long run with the title and they're not going to give it back to him so soon. Tozawa to retain.

SmackDown Tag Team Championship

The New Day (c) vs. The Usos

I am one of those people who think the New Day need to break up and pursue singles careers but I don't think they're going to drop the title and start that journey on the bloody pre-show. The New Day to retain.

Six Man Tag Match

The Hardy Boyz vs. The Miz and The Miztourage

The reason we're not getting an Intercontinental Championship match on the main card. Also, exiling the Hardies to the undercard on a Big Four? I'm not sure I like this at all. Since its non-title I think the Hardies to win.

MAIN SHOW

SmackDown Women's Championship

Naomi (c) vs. Natalya

I think they're still building Naomi into the top-flight talent she deserves to be and a win against a “legacy” would be a good move... well, if Natalya had much momentum behind her which... eh. Naomi to retain.

Raw Women's Championship

Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Sasha Banks

My head says Alexa will retain but my heart really, really wants to Sasha to not only win but have a nice, long and consistent run with the belt. The woman bumps in ways that make me wince and I really think she deserves a better run than the hot potato runs she got between pay-per-views in her feud with Charlotte.

Banks to win, fingers crossed.

United States Championship

AJ Styles (c) vs. Kevin Owens (special guest referee Shane McMahon)

Its the rematch. Styles to retain.

Non-Title

Randy Orton vs. Rusev

I would rather like Rusev to win, especially after that whole flag match business. However, the long and legendary rivalry between the United States and Bulgaria (don't ask) means that I have Orton for this one.

Non-Title

Big Show vs. Big Cass (with Enzo Amore suspended above the ring in a shark cage)

This is a hard one. On the one hand, they are building up Big Cass but they also still want to pursue the Cass/Enzo angle which probably means that Big Show will win with assistance from Enzo via thingy dropped from the shark cage (which is a bit of a flaw in the whole shark cage idea).

Big Show via shenanigans.

Non-Title

Finn Bálor vs. Bray Wyatt

If they don't, as rumoured, bring back the Demon King gimmick for this one then WWE Creative are out of their minds. Regardless of that, this is Bray Wyatt on pay-per-view as well as being a return match for Finn so I reckon Bálor to win.

Non-Title

John Cena vs. Baron Corbin

Cena had that win when he came back for the flag match which was all patriotic and stuff so it counts double and they are really, really pushing Corbin so I think Cena will lie down and do what's best for business (which he does a lot, no matter what people choose to remember).

Corbin to win, probably dirty, this is John Cena we're talking about.

Raw Tag Team Championship

Cesaro and Shaemus (c) vs. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins

I think this new tag team alliance has some legs, especially as it will hopefully save us from more Rollins/Triple H rubbish. Plus, it might mean either a Shield reunion down the line or these two taking on Reigns some time in the future.

Ambrose and Rollins to win.

WWE Championship

Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

I'm just not feeling it with Nakamua on main roster. I don't think he's been treated quite seriously enough to take the gold this early. I think there's a better chance of Jinder dropping than Brock (I am absolutely believe the rumours Brock will retain all the way to Wrestlemania).

Jinder to retain, though I hold out a glimmer of hope.

Universal Championship Fatal 4-Way

Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe vs. Braun Strowman

See above. Brock to retain. 

Sasha Banks/Alexa Bliss for Hell In A Cell 2017!

[SPOILERS ahead for the Raw Women's Championship match at... *groans* Great Balls Of Fire. Do not proceed further if you haven't seen it)

I know their storyline will probably resolve at Summerslam because that's the next biggie but hear me out. Given the count out resolution to their match at Great Balls Of Fire the rematch will definitely be no DQs. So why not put a pin in it for a while, let Alexa get a few more screwy finishes and then, sometime early October, Sasha comes out on Raw with a mic and declares that the Boss will not let this shit stand!

“No more champion's advantage! No more running away! No more retaining by count out and disqualification! In two weeks, Alexa: you and me!

“Hell... in a Cell!”

Why? Well, for one, I want the women's Hell in a Cell match (and Money In The Bank and Survivor Series matches, for that matter) to continue and not be one off things. Second, the Sasha/Charlotte Hell In A Cell was apparently re-booked at the last minute with Sasha originally booked to win. It was a belter, regardless, even if the finish was a little sudden but I do think Sasha should have broken Charlotte's streak there and then.

My bitching aside, I do think this current feud (and Alexa's chickenshit heel storyline in general) is getting to a point where Hell In A Cell is the only appropriate resolution.

It should either be used to prove that Alexa can hold the title against a top flight opponent on her own account or prove that she can't, drop the title to Sasha (please please please) and then start a storyline where Alexa resolves to improve her skills until she can hold her own, maybe as a lead in to a Royal Rumble or Wrestlemania match against another top flight opponent.

Just a thought. 

Why Nikki Cross and Asuka's Last Woman Standing match gives me hope

(no spoilers for the match result, I am genuinely recommending it and I don't want to give away the ending).

This might seem an odd moment of feminism but this was an absolutely brutal match and that's important. After the chronic botching of the women's Money In The Bank match, I for one needed a sign that the women's division wasn't just going to go off the rails.

Boy, did I get it.

This was a great match. I honestly mean that. My gold standard for Last Man/Woman Standing is Triple H versus Ric Flair which is one of my favourite matches ever. I have a lot of thoughts on how Flair hung on too long but the man has my eternal respect for how well he did in that match at his age (and, good grief, that spot with the screwdriver is just plain hard to watch).

But enough about old men brutalising each other for our entertainment, let's talk about two young women brutalising each other for our entertainment!

In all seriousness, this match was treated with all the seriousness that I felt the booking of Money In The Bank lacked with one exception... can we please stop putting adverts in the middle of main events? There were two ad breaks. Now, I like Roderick Strong and I am looking forward to him facing Bobby Roode for the title but, to be frank, its not what I was there for at that moment.

No, I was there for both women at various times going head first into the steel steps; Asuka drop kicking Nikki whilst Nikki was trapped inside a dustbin; Asuka taking an absolutely hair-raising DDT on the very edge of the ring apron and selling like a champ; Asuka being powerbombed onto a pile of chairs.

And, though I won't spell it out, the final spot. The winning moment. It was sheer brutality and a truly rare occasion when I was with the crowd when they started chanting “Holt shit!”. I do feel that chant has been devalued somewhat but it was truly deserved.

As I say, it might seem odd that I'm complimenting this as a return to form for the women's division but here we are. These two women were booked in a long, grueling match which they turned into an absolute belter. They were presented as fantastic athletes and unstoppable forces that could only clash in a match where winning involves beating the other person to exhaustion.

This is a definite step up from having a weak heel get a win off the back of her bloody boyfriend's interference.

Just, next time, let is see the match uninterrupted, please? 

The Mae Young Classic and the classic Mae Young

If, like me, you came into wrestling fandom in the early 2000s, you just can't help but like Mae Young. Even if, like me, you're nowhere near old enough to have seen her in her prime (she made her in-ring debut in 1939) she was a familiar sight in the WWE from 1999 to 2013 where you could only describe her (along with her frequent partner in comedy the Fabulous Moolah) as “the gamest old bird in the business”.

Over her post-retirement appearances in WWE she took part in an evening gown match where she was stripped to bra and panties in her late seventies; gave birth to a hand; gave birth to Hornswoggle; won a bikini contest; got power bombed through a table by Bubba Ray Dudley twice; was one of the many conquests of “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry; performed a strip tease in the middle of a bra and panties match in her early eighties; indulged Gene Snitksy's foot fetish in a backstage segment; got to kiss the Rock, Edge, Eric Bischoff and the Great Khali (with varying degrees of on-stage enthusiasm and consent by the men involved, the Rock loved it); and, was involved in implied backstage group sex to the visible horror of Jonathan Coachman and obvious delight of Mean Gene Okerlund and Pat Patterson (who was probably more interested in Mean Gene in that context but whatever).

Apart from this madness she is the only professional wrestler have wrestled in nine different decades. She was the first NWA Women's Champion (then a regional Florida territory title) and, during the Second World War, was instrumental in expanding women's wrestling whilst the men were away fighting in a similar way to how women's baseball took off in the same period.

She passed away in 2014, aged 90.

The woman's a legend in the industry and now she has a tournament named after her.

This is big. There are two other events named after legendary wrestlers in the WWE right now. There's the Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic, which runs annually on the developmental promotion NXT, the show where Dusty was a beloved trainer and talent developer. Then there's the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, an elimination match which is held at Wrestlemania every year and is generally used to promote the talents of the company's larger, more classically strongman-esque talent. Sadly, the Memorial Battle Royal has slid down the card to the pre-show in recent years but the win is still considered prestigious if a little poorly handled by the bookers.

Now, Mae Young joins this elite no-longer-fraternity. The only words I can think of is, obviously, that much abused but very appropriate chant:

“You deserve it.” 

The Undefeated Woman

Since this seems to be the week for women type news that will send male fanboys of things round the bend, let's talk about Asuka's undefeated streak, which is now the longest in WWE history.

Now, as people are so fond of pointing out, “wrestling is fake”. Now, this isn't true in the way people think its true (in that they think it means no skill or risk is involved which is very insulting to people I would never dream of insulting) but it does have to be admitted that results are booked in advance. What this means is that the largest wrestling company in the world made the conscious decision to let a woman beat Bill Goldberg's undefeated streak, the previous record.

That's big.

When the WWE chooses to equal or beat a record, especially one they talk about a lot, it means something. When John Cena won his sixteenth world title a few months back, equaling industry legend Ric Flair's record, it was a clear statement that the WWE views Cena as equal to that legend.

Not to be that guy but I do think they have a point. Please don't hurt my family.

Anyway, a woman now holds the record for longest undefeated streak in the history of the company. A thoroughly deserving woman, in my view. She's a fantastic in-ring talent and marvellously charismatic on the mic. Perversely enough, I do want this undefeated streak to end because then she can drop that title and finally move up to main roster where she belongs but I won't deny for a moment she deserves it. I just also think she deserves a big time match at Wrestlemania some time before she retires, is all. 

Jinder annoys me less than Brock

Its been almost a week since Backlash. The main event had a divisive result and, initially, I hated it. I still think it was too soon and very cynically motivated but, ultimately, Jinder Mahal as WWE Champion annoys me less than Brock Lesnar as Universal Champion. Praising with faint damnation, I know, but that's where we are.

Brock, as good as he is, is a part timer right now. The main event for Extreme Rules is a number one contenders match because he's a part timer.

The thing is, on the off-chance that Jinder isn't a good heel champion, the WWE Championship can survive a bad title reign. This title has graced the waist of the likes of John Cena, Ric Flair and Stone Cold Steve Austin. It has legacy, it has staying power, it has Randy Orton to jump in when you need a decent transitional champion.

Then there's the jam belt...

The Universal Championship has graced a grand total of four waists in its less than a year of life: Finn Balor, Kevin Owens, Bill Goldberg and, now, Brock Lesnar. Balor and Owens were fresh talent just up from NXT, the future faces of the industry being propelled into the big time with a top card title. It was sad that Balor had to vacate right after winning it but Owens was more than worthy replacement even if he spent too much of his reign as a chickenshit hiding behind Chris Jericho.

Then Goldberg defeated Owens in a match that lasted a matter of seconds bell to bell and for no better reason than to up the stakes of Goldberg/Lesnar III when it could have ridden on macho the honour grudge alone. Goldberg was a old guy coming in for one last series of three matches, only the last of which ran more than two minutes and he dropped it to another part-timer who now won't even be defending the title on the next pay-per-view down the line. I know the full card hasn't been announced yet but giving the Backlash plug to the number one contenders match is highly suggestive.

Hell, even as sick of Brock's ridiculous invincibility as I am, the idea of throwing that into an Extreme Rules match actually interests me. I'd love to see Brock, hopefully on a day he can bothered, is a street fight or a TLC match. It would bring him out of his comfort zone of pure athletics and give us something we don't usually get with him. We saw a hint of that when he had his match against Ambrose but then he beat Ambrose pretty quickly.

And whilst we're spitballing pie in the sky ideas, I'd love to see Lesnar do a Hell In A Cell against someone other than the Undertaker just to see how that would go.

But Brock as a barely there champion on a belt that started off being about the new, up and coming talent we hadn't seen in the main event scene before? I just can't get excited about that. At least Jinder has the intrigue of the new and unexpected about him.

Unexpected for a bloody good reason but unexpected nonetheless. 

Backlash predictions

Right, predictions time. Keep forgetting to do these so let's start these again with, to my mind, one of the most predictable cards this year:

Sami Zayn vs. Baron Corbin

I would personally prefer Sami Zayn to win this one because I always like it when Sami wins, its a great start to any show and the crowd really gets behind him. That said, he is also really, really good at swallowing a loss and I can't deny that Corbin rather in need of more for credibility reasons.

Corbin to win.

Luke Harper vs. Eric Rowan

Luke Harper is practically invulnerable and I am fine with that. I like Eric Rowan but Harper is being built and built and built right now, so...

Luke Harper to win.

6 Woman (and 1 Man) Tag Match

Becky Lynch, Naomi and Charlotte vs.

Carmella, Natalya, Tamins and James Elsworth

Do we seriously believe that the side that has James Elsworth on it is going to win? He will definitely interfere, he will definitely give his team an edge for about and they will definitely lose. The only way I see them winning is if Charlotte turns heel again in the middle.

Becky, Naomi and Charlotte to win.

US Title

Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles

Hmm... this is a hard one. Its a bloody dream match, don't get me wrong, and I think it could definitely go either way. Frankly, this is a match I'm looking forward to the a lot more than the main event (sorry, Jinder). I think Owens needs to retain, though, since he only won it quite recently. I think it'll be a screwy win so Styles can stay strong

Owens to retain.

SmackDown Tag Team Championship

Fashion Police vs. the Usos

Don't much care. I would like the Fashion Police to win since I like them marginally more than the Usos. Nothing against the fellows but they've just never clicked with me. That said, I don't think the Fashion Police have been terribly well used since they formed and I don't see them getting a title push until they've fought their way out of that rut.

The Usos to retain.

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Dolph Ziggler

Now, I like Dolph. I respect Dolph. I think he should have had a slightly more extravagantly successful career than he's had. I think that the turn around the last couple of years with him feuding with the Miz and winning has been great and he deserved that win. However, I cannot imagine any sort of logic, even the sort that goes on in the Freudian nightmare that is a WWE booker's head, where Shinsuke Nakamura loses his first main roster PPV match to Dolph Ziggler, a man who has made something of a speciality of lying down for the deserving.

Nakamura to win.

World Championship

Randy Orton vs. Jinder Mahal

As much as Randy Orton is the designated transitional champion these days and Jinder Mahal is clearly someone WWE wants to push to the moon to snag the emerging Indian audience... I just don't see it. Sorry, Jinder. If this goes to a series and they can make a real showcase of it then I think it might happen but not on their first PPV match-up. It could happen but I don't think Jinder is quite finished cooking yet.

Orton to retain.

How do you solve a problem like Otunga?

Now, I don't want it to sound like I hate the perishing sight of David Otunga. I'm not like Plumpy (the man once known as Adam Blampied) who has been known to describe the man as “the death of all joy” but I do think something needs to be done about the four man commentary booth on Smackdown Live and Otunga is the weak link.

Mauro Ranallo is the strongest link, of course, which makes his presumed departure from the show and the company all the more gutting. In an ideal world Ranallo would be the play-by-play to Corey Graves' colour commentary and we'd finally have a dream team to rival the legendary days of JR and King.

But we address the world as we find it, so here we are.

The problem with three- and four-man commentary teams is that people keep talking over each other or, worse, everyone stops talking and painful seconds pass as everyone wonders if its meant to be their turn.

Two-man booths work because when you have two people it is very clear whose turn it is to talk. You don't end up with David Otunga cutting across JBL to say something banal because they both think its their turn. He also, to be brutally honest, doesn't have the strongest voice, which when you have JBL next to you is a real problem.

But I am a good little socialist and I don't want to see a man lose his job for being boring. So what to do with him?

Well, frankly, I'd go back to what he was before: WWE's resident lawyer who happens to be a wrestler (ex-wrestler now). You see, Otunga is legitimately a Harvard graduate and so when he moved out of active competition he played a lawyer character whose job was basically to back up the boss and make people suffer.

So my idea is this: Otunga goes to work “backstage” as the WWE's Senior VP Of Intellectual Property And Licensing.

You remember when they had to book all those matches with a shark cage suspended above the ring because the company that makes the WWE toys made a playset without asking them if it made any sense? Well, now, Otunga is the man on screen charged with shilling that and anything else they decide to make. He books matches that are all about advertising, the corporate side of the company, getting the name out there. He becomes, effectively, an authority figure whose entire gimmick is shilling.

Sort of like John Laurinaitis but bearable.

The WWE could get a lot of real world use out of him in the role, too. His voice might not be terribly distinctive but he's an attractive bloke, well-spoken and articulate just not terribly compelling in a crowded environment. As a public speaker, for instance at press conferences that aren't quite Triple H levels of important, he'd probably be pretty engaging.

As a face he'd be goofy (like with trying to sell the idea of shark cage-esque matches to wrestlers and audiences) whilst as a heel he'd be putting wrestlers into humiliating matches and scenarios “for the good of the brand”. He would be the front man for anything new and a go between when different authority figures have different ideas (rather than having the MacMahon of the moment arguing with their commissioner at the start of every... bastard... episode).

Just an idea.

Learning to live with the Fastlane (result)

Right, its been a week and I figure anyone who wanted to see Fastlane either bought it on pay-per-view or has the WWE Network plus what I want to talk about is all over the internet so I feel safe writing this without a spoiler warning. Regardless, I want to go into the result of Goldberg/Owens so be aware.

Goldberg is Universal Champion and it is baffling. He won it in a main event match that officially ran for 22 seconds after some dicking about from Owens; in his current run with the company he has (according to Adam Blampied, whose job is to know these things) wrestled for exactly 108 seconds in singles matches and hit five moves.

He's fifty years old, which wouldn't necessarily be a problem if not for the fact that he's first “old guard” talent to win the Universal belt. Finn Balor was the inaugural champion, then he was injured and Owens picked it up thanks to interference from Triple H in a way that made it clear he was being anointed as the future of the company and H's new favourite now he and Seth Rollins are on the outs.

Unless they have one hell of a swerve coming, the only match for Goldberg at Wrestlemania that makes sense is Goldberg/Lesnar part three. Two part timers, one of whom is fifty and has yet to prove he can still put in a proper match and the other who just doesn't seem to care all that much about what he's doing anymore.

They're doing this when they could have had Kevin Owens facing Jericho in the main event and now that's going to be a non-title match. Its not even as if Jericho needed the heat from costing Owens the belt, the man has managed to get the audience invested in a scarf, a jacket covered in LED lights and a scarf, I feel certain he doesn't need help selling the fact he's pissed off with Owens.

And Owens... why take the title away from him now and like this? Owens is a fantastic talent who, if treated right, will be with the WWE for years to come. Goldberg is a fifty year old part timer who, let's face it, is pretty likely to drop the title at 'Mania and leave. I mean, it makes a kind of sense for Brock to win after two defeats, as much as him holding the Universal title thrills me even less than Goldberg having it.

Oh, and I'm just as baffled that they ended Charlotte's streak at Fastlane when they had the ref clearly see Sasha interfere in the match. They could have given Bailey a DQ victory and kept the streak intact for 'Mania.

Good grief, this was a weird show. 

The man Trump wishes he was

Comics are late due to privatised Post Office so let's talk about the man who, so horrifically soon, will officially become President of the United States Of America. Specifically, let's talk about the man who is everything Trump thinks he is...

This is Vincent Kennedy McMahon. If you're unaware of this interesting individual he is the majority owner and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (formerly the World Wrestling Federation before the pandas sued). He is, alongside WCW's Eric Bischoff, basically responsible for making the entire wrestling industry what it is today for good or ill. He and Trump actually had a wrestling match together once. It wasn't good.

The thing is that everything Trump tries to sell himself as, Vince actually is. Where Trump claims to have started from the bottom with a “small” multi-million dollar loan from his father, Vince actually grew up in a trailer park. Whilst they both run the companies their fathers made, Trump inherited his and has spent years losing money whilst Vince spent years gaining the money and influence to buy his father's company and grew it from a regional promotion to the largest and most successful company in his industry. What's more, Vince has taken pains to make sure his children knew how the company worked before they had active roles in it, having Shane and Stephanie working phones, merchandise stalls and small on screen bit parts before handing them any real power. Trump, meanwhile, wants to name his children to senior advisor roles in spite of their not having experience in politics and there being literal anti-nepotism laws meant to prevent this.

Where Trump has a string of bankruptcies to his name the worst that can be said about Vince is that he had a stupid idea for an NFL alternative that died after a single season. By contrast, however, he was a driving force in creating the pay-per-view system, the WWE Network is one of the most successful streaming services in the world and he has had successful interests in movies, music promotion and hockey to varying degrees.

Whilst Trump imagines he's loved for being plain spoken and direct (instead of being a gibbering idiot who couldn't construct a sentence with a set of step-by-step instructions), Vince McMahon is actually beloved for the bluff, old school businessman persona he projects on screen.

What's more, where Trump has a narcissist's desire for applause at all times, Vince glories in being booed. He has, basically non-stop since 1997, played a bad guy and put himself through some truly humiliating storylines just to rile the audience and get them invested. This is a man who contrived to give himself a pinfall victory over God so he could be seen as provoking a born again Christian into beating him up; he has pissed himself on live television on one of the highest rated shows in the world; been shown putting his wife into a medically induced coma; he's been covered in manure; knocked unconscious multiple times; had penis pumps delivered to him; and, legitimately, tore both his quads whilst trying to yell at two of his employees on air and still managed to do the segment.

Vince is far from perfect, he's known to have some troubles with empathy, tends towards over-reaction and like most businessmen at his level he has a ruthless streak you probably wouldn't want to get in the way of. In theory, all of this also describes Trump but Vince has the decency to provide a lot more entertainment, actually makes money for his shareholders, is actually a self-made man and has the thickest skin imaginable.

He probably wouldn't make a very good president, either, but he also probably has the sense to realise this and not try. 

WWE UK Championship Tournament

(SPOILERS for the event, which if you enjoy wrestling you should totally watch)

It was so good. As I've said before I don't have much experience watching British wrestling, even with WCPW so conveniently broadcast over Youtube I've somehow never got into it. That is absolutely going to change now. The evening's wrestling had a very different flavour to it than the usual WWE fair.

For one thing, just about every wrestler in this tournament was stiff as hell. I saw endless t-shirts in that crowd emblazoned with the phrase “British Strong Style” and, well... I can see why. There was a great mix of styles and personalities, the two day event told a concise and focussed story with minimal time spent on segments and lots of attention paid to in-ring theatrics.

As to the wrestlers involved: there wasn't a weak man among them but some definitely stood out to me: Trent Seven was a wonderfully theatrical performer with his moustache twirling playing to the crowd; Tyler Bate had a real honest charm to him; Wolfgang flying through the air in ways a man that are absolutely astonishing for a 255 lb man; and, Mark “Mandrews” Andrews was another fantastic high flier.

But the one who really stood out for me, more than any of the others, was Pete Dunne, our designated detestable heel for the weekend.

Given only the one weekend to get over with the crowd (at least the newcomers like me) he did an amazing job of making us despise him. With theatrical smirking, unprovoked attacks on his opponents before matches and more than one scuffle with an irate William Regal, including being thrown bodily back through the stage curtain into Gorilla, he made it fun to boo him.

And boo him we did, from the his opening match against Sam Gradwell, through his semi-final bout with Mark Andrews and into the final against Tyler Bate we booed him. And when, after a couple of very close near finishes either way, we finally got to count one-two-three with Bate pinning Dunne it was a hugely satisfying win.

I had a wonderful time, not only for seeing all these fantastic wrestlers I'd never heard of before but also the general experience of being there. The Empress Ballroom is a beautiful old building and there was a fantastic atmosphere in the crowd. Okay, the chants got a bit smarky at times but for a change it seemed even the smarks were there to enjoy the show and support the home grown talent.

Plus, we got a Neville match! Neville was the only established WWE talent wrestling the whole weekend and it wasn't a tournament match, which I think was for the best. Whilst Neville is absolutely one of the great talents to come out of the UK scene in recent years this event wasn't about celebrating the UK talent that's made it to the WWE but the talent that has been working away all these years right here under our noses, a job the tournament pulled off admirably.

Now, no one knows where this is going. We might get a 205 Live-style series for the UK scene or it might be a series of irregular specials. Hell, there might not even be a concrete plan for how this whole idea is going to work going forward but I heartily look forward to finding out. 

At the WWE UK Championship Tournament

By the time this posts I'll be well on y way to Blackpool to attend the second day of the WWE UK Championhip Tournament. I have never been to a live wrestling show, let alone a WWE one, let alone one where they'll be crowning their first UK Champion. The belt, by the way? Absolutely fantastic.

Now, I've not got much clue about British wrestling. American wrestling? Sure. Japanese wrestling? A bit. My own damn country? Not a clue and I really, really hope this'll inspire me to learn more about the national scene. Between fixing their Women's Division (and finally calling it that again) and re-opening the Cruiserweight Division the WWE have been doing great work recently not only in diversifying their product but interesting me in branches of the industry that previously passed me by.  

And just... I'll be there! The two people I'm going with have both been to live shows before and the way they describe it I really, really want to experience that feeling.

I will suffer on Monday for it. We're driving up, going to the show and driving back down that very same night. I will be shattered and so I don't promise anything like coherent content Monday here, let alone being able to speak in real life.

I'm also interested to see how a wrestling show works from the POV of the live audience without the commentary and with the backstage stuff on a big screen I might not even be able to see.

Bray Wyatt: This Is What Burial Looks Like

You get a lot of talk amongst wrestling fans, smarks on the internet especially, about people being buried. A lot of the time I find that it tends to be a little over-diagnosed, too often used as an overreaction to someone being beaten on PPV a couple of times.

You see it a lot with John Cena feuds. He beats someone at the end of the feud and people will say he's burying his opponent. Okay, there is the problem that after a John Cena feud there's very few ways to go for the other wrestler but down. He's the biggest face in the company, after all, and if nothing else the US Open Challenge meant that they could go from him to higher things in terms of belts. It didn't always work out and some right stupid booking could take hold (Rusev joining the League Of Nations, for instance, the biggest waste of talent on the roster not to be the Social Outcasts).

Its not what I'd call burial, though. Its not the sort of long, consistent run of bad booking like, for instance, Bray Wyatt's seeming inability to win at pay-per-views these days.

Because he just can't win these days. Take Backlash a few weeks ago: he seemed strong for a moment when he was beating Randy Orton up in a corridor and then standing unopposed in the ring insisting on the ten count so it would go down as a victory to him. He looked dominant, he looked scary, he looked like the figure he presents in his promos.

Then Kane, who simply does not need the win and isn't feuding with Wyatt, comes out so a match can go ahead and beats Wyatt in short order.

Wyatt is popular, he is over, and he keeps losing high-profile feuds. Right now all he has is the fact that he cuts really, really good promos bit with nothing to back them up and that can't last. For months on end he has either lost big matches or fed one of his minions to the opponent...

… and he's all out of minions. Harper's injured, Stroman got drafted to the other show and Rowan... I'm not even sure. Wyatt is one of the best heels WWE has at the moment, one of the best talents to come out of NXT and they are utterly wasting him.

And that's burial.

Backlash 2016 review

[spoilers for this past weekend's pay-per-view results]

Okay, so the name of the game here was to give Smackdown Live's pay-per-views legitimacy: they got the first brand split PPV; they debuted their new Women's and Tag titles on the show; and, the fantastic ending to this show certainly tells us they intend to make these brand split PPV as consequential as the Big Four.

Aside from that, the slightly shorter two and a half hour running time is probably a good idea if there are going to be twenty-something of these things a year. You need to keep an eye on how much of your audience's time you're taking up with these things.

So, on with the matches (winners in bold):

Smackdown Live Women's Championship

Alexa Bliss vs. Becky Lynch vs. Carmella vs. Naomi vs. Natalya vs. Nikki Bella

(Six Pack Elimination Match)

First off, one of the few complaints I have about this show (and my only real complaint about this match) is that Naomi submitted too easily to Natalya's sharpshooter. Natalya barely had enough time to lock it in before Naomi was tapping her hand on the ring. Aside from that, this was good. It started off as a mess because these matches always start off as a mess but as it progressed things the story got clearer.

I was, I admit, sceptical about Carmella getting a heel push where she keeps rushing in and beating up Nikki Bella in promo after promo. Seeing it in the package it looked like the bookers were writing a storyline for a much larger woman but when it was just Carmella and Becky in the ring at the end... it worked. Carmella got in a savage offence before Becky, rightly, turned the tables, took her to Suplex City (oh, it did my heart good to see that in a women's match) and took the win.

It had to be here. Since this was announced I think we were all sure it was down to her or Nikki, it just came down to whether the management thought a Horsewoman or a former champion would lend the title more legitimacy.

And they chose the Horsewoman. I think this was right, not only because I think a brand new title works better with a brand new champion but because the inevitable Four Horsewomen Fatal Fourway will be a bigger money match if everyone involved has held gold. Its just time, as well, Becky is a great worker and that way she was brought up for the Women's Revolution (egh......) meant she missed out on the NXT Women's Championship.

Well deserved.

Smackdown Live Tag Team Championship Tournament

The Usos vs. The Hype Bros

I've not got much to say about this one except that it was the right result. I genuinely think the Usos vs. Heath Slater and Rhyno is better booking than the Hype Bros vs Heath and Rhyno. My only real observation on the match? Zack Ryder is less of a wuss than Naomi since it actually took time for that submission move to make him submit.

(Please, please note I do not actually think Naomi is a wuss, she could kill me with her shoes).

Intercontinental Championship

The Miz vs. Dolp Ziggler

Match of the night, no question. Started with aggressive matt wrestling from Ziggler and just got better and better from there. Surprisingly, and hearteningly, the crows were well behind Miz in spite of him being the heel, which I hope is a sign.

As pointed out in that fantastic (Work? Shoot? Who knows?) interview with Daniel Bryan, the Miz's style is very much the perceived WWE standard: steady and safe. And you know what? As Miz pointed out, he has never had a serious injury in all the years he's been in the business and he's never caused one either, as far as I can tell. If this is all build up to Bryan having one more match then I can't think of anyone better to carry Bryan through it. The whole angle also acts as mud in the eye to the internet smarks who are far, far too keen on criticising wrestlers for not putting their health at risk.

I love this angry Miz with something to prove and I love what the end of this match could do for him. You see, with camera angles and such I am not sure that Miz saw Maryse spray Ziggler in the eyes before getting the pin. Personally, I would have preferred Miz to win clean to prove the point to Bryan but this looks to be an ongoing feud so I'll take the trade-off of getting more matches like this.

Non-Title

Bray Wyatt vs. Kane

WHY!? Why did Kane win this? What was the damn point of Kane winning this? There generally seems to be this huge fear in WWE management of letting Bray win on pay-per-view. I don't know why. You can't watch any entrance of his and tell me he isn't over: thousands of people hold up their phones to be part of his “fireflies”. He cuts amazing promos but that's all he does now.

Its the same pattern again and again: he cuts great, creepy, batfuck insane promos and theneither he loses on pay-per-view or he feeds a minion to his opponent. He just looks weak, there's no other word for it. He went into this match having given Orton enough of a kicking that he couldn't compete (to hide a real life injury, apparently) and then he got his arse kicked.

People like to talk about wrestlers getting buried and generally I feel they're too keen to use the term but this is what burial looks like.

Smackdown Live Tag Team Championship

The Usos vs. Heath Slater and Rhyno

Um... solid match, good result. I like where this Heath Slater angle seems to be going and Rhyno as mostly silent straight man really plays to the man's excellent comedy timing. Whether or not they have legs as a team we'll have to see.

WWE World Championship

Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles

I have been waiting for Styles to win a top tier title since he came on the WWE scene at the Royal Rumble and I was starting to doubt it would happen. Okay, he's only been with them eight months but he is a major signing. In hindsight, I genuinely think they waited exactly the right length of time, built to this wonderfully with his victory over Cena. The only downside is that I really would have liked Ambrose to have a better run but I'm hard pressed to disagree with people who say he became somehow less fun once he had the belt.

It was an amazing match, too. A slow start that built momentum and tension, lots of jumping off ringropes and turnbuckles. Yes, AJ won through a low blow but as much as I love him he is a heel and a brilliant heel at that, plus winning dirty allows Ambrose to hold on to some dignity in defeat.

Now, Raw, you've got a fortnight to get Clash Of Champions in order to beat this.