Saturday 6 May 2017

Mrs. May, please shut the hell up!

Now, I've mentioned before that I think Brexit is a stupid idea fueled by xenophobia and an irrational belief that this country's best days were the ones when everything was rationed and unexploded bombs were an everyday inconvenience. That said, I bow to the fact that this is reality and it is going to happen and so I'd rather like for the negotiations to go well so we don't end up being completely ruined by the price of this nationalist stupidity. Frankly, I'm too old for dystopia. I have no leather jackets and I can't drive.

So this is why Theresa May (our prime minister, not the pornstar) has to shut the hell up.

So far in these negotiations she has threatened to keep anti-terror intelligence to ourselves, effectively saying we would collaborate with ISIS if we didn't get our own way; threatened to go to war with Spain over Gibraltar; declared in our press (that European leaders are perfectly able to read) that she would be “difficult” at the negotiating table; and, most recently, she has claimed that the EU are seeking to influence our general election.

Ignoring for the moment the fact that this idea seems to be the best window we'll ever get into May and Trump's phone sex fantasies (“They're all rigging the system against me!” “Oh God, me too, Orange Daddy!”) the question is: does this woman actually understand the concept of negotiation? Has it entered her tiny conservative mind that maybe, if we want to get concessions from the massively richer and more powerful union we're negotiating with, that we might want to be nice to them for a while?

I mean, what is the plan here? At this point I strongly suspect the Tories just plan to get together a week before the two year deadline, light some candles, draw a pentagram on the floor, form a circle and pray to the spirit of Winston Churchill to save them.

Either that or tell the public that they totally did get a deal but Nigel Farage ate the signed paperwork.

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