Do Theresa May's talents know no beginning?

Theresa May (the prime minister, not the pornstar) has so far succeeded calling an early election that cost her party their majority, announced a coalition before it was properly negotiated and is even now announcing cabinet appointments ecen though you usually save a few to bribe your coalition partner with.

Her chosen coalition partner is the DUP: a far right Irish Unionist (that means pro-UK) party founded by former terrorists that is the most anti-choice party in government, rabidly anti-LGBTQ and climate change deniers. Sinn Fein has already started grumbling about this coalition, which is exactly the sort of tension you want to encourage in Northern Ireland. I mean, what children these days really need is the character building experience of bomb drills at school like what I had.

Elsewhere in the Conservative Party, press interviews are being given in which the sharpening of knives can clearly be heard. Not that anyone can blame them. There didn't have to be an election for another three years and any other leader who losyt the majority would have resigned out of sheer bloody pragmatic shame to spend more time with their index linked pension.

When this all started there were two theories. There was the generally accepted idea that the Conservatives wanted a more solid mandate for Brexit and to not have to fight an election after the Article 50 deadline just in case (you know, on the off-chance) Brexit completely fucked the economy. Then there was my theory where they were so completely unable to control the Brexit negotiations that they just wanted to throw the election and make it someone else's problem.

During the campaign, as May did seemingly everything she could to alienate her core voters (like the Dementia Tax), it started to make an awful lot of sense.

Now, she's holding on to power when any other politician would resign and willingly getting in to bed with the DUP who, even by Conservative standards, are utterly mad.

I guess what I'm saying here is: Has anyone seen The Producers? 

Mrs. May, please shut the hell up!

Now, I've mentioned before that I think Brexit is a stupid idea fueled by xenophobia and an irrational belief that this country's best days were the ones when everything was rationed and unexploded bombs were an everyday inconvenience. That said, I bow to the fact that this is reality and it is going to happen and so I'd rather like for the negotiations to go well so we don't end up being completely ruined by the price of this nationalist stupidity. Frankly, I'm too old for dystopia. I have no leather jackets and I can't drive.

So this is why Theresa May (our prime minister, not the pornstar) has to shut the hell up.

So far in these negotiations she has threatened to keep anti-terror intelligence to ourselves, effectively saying we would collaborate with ISIS if we didn't get our own way; threatened to go to war with Spain over Gibraltar; declared in our press (that European leaders are perfectly able to read) that she would be “difficult” at the negotiating table; and, most recently, she has claimed that the EU are seeking to influence our general election.

Ignoring for the moment the fact that this idea seems to be the best window we'll ever get into May and Trump's phone sex fantasies (“They're all rigging the system against me!” “Oh God, me too, Orange Daddy!”) the question is: does this woman actually understand the concept of negotiation? Has it entered her tiny conservative mind that maybe, if we want to get concessions from the massively richer and more powerful union we're negotiating with, that we might want to be nice to them for a while?

I mean, what is the plan here? At this point I strongly suspect the Tories just plan to get together a week before the two year deadline, light some candles, draw a pentagram on the floor, form a circle and pray to the spirit of Winston Churchill to save them.

Either that or tell the public that they totally did get a deal but Nigel Farage ate the signed paperwork.