Donald Jodocus Trump, sensitive little snowflake that he is, will be skipping this year's White House Correspondents' Association dinner. Apparently the last time a sitting president did this was Ronald Reagan, who had the convenient excuse of having just been shot which Trump, of course, has not.
Take a moment to manage your disappointment and we'll continue.
This follows Politico reporting that Trump campaign aides had to make sure he received a constant stream of media praising him to stop him taking to Twitter and lashing out. This follows the New York Times, CNN, BuzzFeed, Politico and the BBC being locked out of a White House press gaggle. This follows Trump going through with his plan to continue holding rallies like some two-bit dictator that, hilariously, drew about a third of the crowd he managed at the same location six months earlier.
There is one thing I will say in his defence, though, or perhaps in defence of his speech writers: what could he say in his keynote speech? The speech is, traditionally, a chance for the president to send themselves up but where would Trump even start?
He's employing Nazis; he's cost the US taxpayer almost as much through his weekends off as Obama cost on holidays in a year; he's fed a deal of that money into his Mar-A-Lago resort which he calls “The Winter White House”; he signed an executive order that threw the entire immigration and customs system into chaos; he didn't consult with any of the agencies that would have to enforce that EO before signing it into law, hence the chaos; he's stripped trans kids of legal protections; he outed the officer who carries the nuclear codes by letting someone take a selfie with the guy; he carried out a sensitive phone conversation with North Korea in a restaurant; he keeps being caught on camera seemingly forgetting the presence of his wife; he's been indicted in the past for fraud, rape and paedophilia; he praised Frederick Douglass as if he were still alive; managed to release a statement on Holocaust Memorial Day that didn't mention the Jewish people; he keeps banging on about how big the crowds were for his inauguration including in a speech at the CIA's memorial to dead agents; there's the possibility that he has a sex tape sitting in a draw in the Kremlin; he's in a Twitter war with Saturday Night Live; he's also at war with his own intelligence agencies; he threatened a court saying he'd see them in court right after they beat him in court; he doesn't know the difference between national debt and deficit; he doesn't know the difference between refugees and illegal immigrants; he managed a record low approval rating; NASA and national parks staff have gone rogue on Twitter in protest at his policies; Teen Vogue and the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary troll him constantly; his plan to deal with ISIS in the first thirty days of his administration magically failed to appear; his VP believes you can torture people until they're heterosexual; he lifted the main slogan of his inauguration speech from 1930s isolationists and Nazi-appeasers; “cheeto-faced shitgibbon” has almost become his official nickname at this point, even being used by Senator Daylin Leach at one point; he invented a terrorist attack in Sweden to the astonishment of Swedes everywhere; oh, and let's not forget the Bowling Green Massacre now we mention that one; he has several times questioned the right of judges to interpret the law; once jokingly suggested the assassination of Hilary Clinton to protect the Second Amendment; there were co-ordinated protest marches against him on every continent including the penguin one, the largest protest in history, by the way; he persists in stating that millions of ballots were cast for Clinton illegally because undermining faith in democracy is always fun; he still wants to build a wall that, last I checked, was estimated to cost $25 billion with no clear way of paying for it and certainly no way of making Mexico do it; his press secretary keeps tweeting the White House wi-fi password; he threatened a chain store for dropping his daughter's jewellery line; oh, and once again, he employs literal Nazis.
That list of five hundred plus words just off the top of my head and only resorting to Google to fact check details. This man is beyond satire at this point, let alone self-satire.